How to Lovingly Guide Children Through Difficult Emotions

My nine-year-old's mood changes are fast and furious these days.

It feels as though one minute we're blissfully dancing in the rain puddles at the park and then suddenly, without warning, we're in a lightning storm, and I'm hanging on for dear life to the metal merry-go-round.

Sound familiar? 

It's jarring, triggering, and entirely maddening.

"I just wanted things to be calm. Why is she being like this?"

Managing Conflict in Five Steps with Conscious Communication

I want to share with you a step-by-step path to peace. 

Your language, attitude, and tone ALL affect your child's ability to meet your expectations. Learning to change the way you speak can take time and practice.

Sometimes, you won't know WHAT to say. 

Being silent is okay. Being respectful is more important than saying the "right" thing. 

What It Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Kids

What was your childhood like?
Do you remember feeling loved and happy?
Or was it a time filled with fear and loneliness?

Maybe it was a combination of both. What I struggled with most growing up was not knowing how to deal with feelings of unworthiness and being ostracized. I did not trust anyone enough to share those feelings.

The most devastating experience for me as a child was being rejected - whether by peers or parents.

How do we ensure that our children have the skills to master their emotions and take charge of their lives?

What to Do When You Don't Agree With Your Partner's Parenting

If you're married, parenting with a partner, or co-parenting with an ex, how often do you agree or feel like you're on the same page?

Are you skilled at communicating without others feeling attacked or criticized?

Even if you agree on basic parenting principles, it doesn't mean you'll see eye-to-eye on everything, and how you express your feelings about your differences will send your children essential messages about how to respond to conflict.

Six Ways to Master Communicating With Kids

Sometimes, we provide a lot of commentary around our children’s actions.

We interject where we don’t need to, providing solutions when we should just be there as a spotter is for a gymnast - guiding children as they learn a skill or helping them to manage themselves safely. 

How can you allow your children as much freedom as possible while still maintaining a reasonable set of boundaries and supportive limits?

5 Proven Ways to Encourage Responsible Behavior in Your Kids

(Is your child under age 5? Click here for essential rules for communicating with young children)

"How can I be sure that I am encouraging responsible behavior in my children and not letting them "get away with things." - Tina, Mom of 3

This is a common and natural fear most parents have at one time or another.  

As kids grow past the preschool years, we typically expect them to display better behavior and more responsible actions.
 
However, what about those kids who don't seem to move past the meltdowns, or can't seem to stop and think before they act?

What's missing?

How is it possible to parent your children the same, and yet, have one who seems emotionally mature and on target, and another who appears to be stuck in juvenile behavior, unable to control his or her impulses?

5 Things You Should Never Say to a Child With Aspergers

This topic is one that is close to my heart. If you are new to my work, you may not know that when I was 38, I discovered that my quirks, gifts, and more than a few of my struggles were the result of growing up with Aspergers.

I know that you want to help your kids make better decisions. My parents did too, but something was missing.

Lost in translation, you could say.

Want to Change Your Child's Behavior? Share Your Needs.

Sometimes, out of fear and frustration, we end up sending unintentional messages to our kids.

We end up telling them what we think of them instead of sharing how we feel about what's happened and what we would like to happen next. Sharing your needs and preferences builds trust and increases cooperation.

Getting to the Bottom of Behavior

She did it on purpose.

I don't know what she needs.
He's not dysregulated. He was perfectly calm.
She chose to disobey because she didn't like my limit.
He knows the consequences and he defied the rules anyway.
She looked at me, said she understood, and then did it again.
 

Why won't this behavior go away? Does that resonate with you? 

If so, you are not alone. Many parents get tripped up with behavior challenges by trying to change, well... behavior.  

Sound crazy?

No More Behavior Problems

I often share tips about how to re-frame the way you talk to your kids but what about the way you talk about your kids and the challenges you are having?

Do you post questions in your favorite forums or conscious parenting pages?

How do you describe the conflicts you experience?

He's so needy.
She won't listen.
She's so sensitive.
He's driving me nuts.
She is such a handful.
He'll defy you out of spite.
She is so disrespectful to me.
He tantrums if he doesn't get his way.

These statements lead us down a dead-end road.

Talking to Kids About Divorce

Divorce and separation - even when friendly and without conflict - are some of the most stressful events a family can experience.


In this video, I'm sharing with you my 4C's for talking to kids about divorce and separation (or really, any trauma).

Development Takes Time, Repetition & Relief

Developing maturity takes time, repetition and relief.

Time is necessary to allow a child's unique developmental path to unfold.  

Repetition happens when we practice moving through strong impulses and overwhelming emotions.

Relief happens when we feel that we have the support and/or the tools to move through a situation. 

Why Your Words Matter

"Stupid, stupid… you’re such a dummy!" my father muttered to himself, over and over, as he paced the house. 

As a child, hearing my dad call himself names was unsettling. Now, as an adult with a child of my own, listening to him berate himself over a lost set of keys was eye-opening.

What No One Tells You About Gratitude

You've probably heard it before.

"Live in the moment."
"Be grateful."

Ugh - those same old clichés. Always said at just the WRONG time.

What does that even mean? Live in the moment. What other moment is there to live in? And grateful? Yeah, that's easy for some people to say.

I'll admit that sometimes I not only let those kinds thoughts creep into my mind, but I let them take up residence.

The Truth About Arguing

Do you let your kids argue with you or with each other?
 
When I was growing up, my love of debate and my direct, logical manner was often misinterpreted as anger or rebellion. My intention to engage others in a thoughtful dialogue was misread as being stubborn and argumentative.

Why Empathy Doesn't Work - 5 Strategies to Help Kids Express Themselves

When you make the switch to being more conscious and aware of your words and actions - using empathy becomes your "first aid" for negativity. 

Empathy allows us to move through our emotions so we can regain control of our thoughts and behaviors, but for children, self-regulation is a skill which takes time to develop.

You may want (or expect) immediate change. When you are new to parenting with empathy instead of control (and even if you aren't), you may find yourself thinking, "I'm using empathy but my child still won't listen."

Mastering The Perspective Shift

#turkeystuffed
#pickyeaters
#toomanyleftovers

How do you describe the problems you are facing?

I've noticed that the more I explain my "problems" without judging myself or others - the more open I am to new and creative solutions.

Solutions I may NEVER have noticed had I not changed my point of view. 

Mastering the perspective-shift is a crucial part of conscious, non-punitive, non-permissive parenting.

Repair and Apologies With Kids Do Not Have To Be Forced

Sometimes, repair takes its own creative path.  

I have refrained (as much as possible) from forcing my child to say "I'm sorry" because I wanted her to rely on her own conscience as she learns how her actions affect others. 

I didn't want my opinions or judgments to impose on her sense of self.  

Repair is the process of reconnecting after hurt feelings, angry words, or unacceptable behaviors.  

Words Can Get In The Way - How NOT to Talk to Kids

Do your kids have trouble "listening?" 

Do you feel like no matter what you say or do, you still end up begging, pleading, negotiating, or punishing to get cooperation, and usually, it's not willing cooperation?

Despite my conscious attempts to speak with kindness, acknowledge needs, and validate feelings, sometimes, I still find myself unable to connect with an emotionally resistant child.
 
At this moment, there is a fork in the road.

5 Ways To Effectively Praise Your Child

  Good job! Excellent swinging! What a nice boy you are! You're such a good girl!

What's that old adage? "Flattery will get you everywhere." Or is it anywhere...or nowhere?

 "Flattery is like friendship in show, but not in fruit." - Socrates (TWEET IT!)