What to Do When You Are No Longer Using Punishment

Have you ever felt at a loss for what to do to make sure your kids learn lessons?

Have you traded in punishment for something more emotionally responsive, but aren't sure your kids are really learning what's important?

Are you wondering exactly what you are supposed to do about misbehavior?

My Teenager is Driving Me Crazy

Does your teen have a habit of saying one thing, and then doing another?

Maybe it includes:

• a few eye rolls
• constant forgetting
• refusing to do what's asked

I recall feeling a bit put-upon during my own teenage years.

If I was insubordinate with those in authority, it usually had something to do with me feeling taken advantage of, having no voice, or being unable to express the emotions that I was grappling with. A cycle of feeling unheard, misunderstood, and judged can increase misbehavior as kids use their non-verbal language to communicate what is really going on. 

Without the tools, words, or practice expressing emotions in positive ways, children can spiral into patterns of negativity.

When children feel controlled or afraid of the reactions of others, dysfunctional patterns of repressing emotion can develop. 

All kids, especially those who may shy away from asserting themselves, need to feel they have a voice - a say in what happens in their lives. 

 Punitive discipline often shuts down that voice in favor of obedience. 

We can't train children to feel or behave in certain ways by imposing consequences and hoping they internalize the desired behaviors.  

Effective discipline is about learning to manage our internal state so that we can confidently and positively release our stress, discomfort, or frustration. From that place of autonomy, we can consciously choose new thoughts and behaviors.

When we try to reason our way through emotional experiences with our children with language and logical consequences, we usually cause more harm than hope. Too much talking gets in the way because the language centers in the brain shut down under stress. Blood pressure rises, the heart pounds steadily, and our perspective is limited. 

When this happens, some children will fight you, and some will shut down, and/or run away.

This is why I am so passionate about giving you tools and communication tips which help you connect with your child. In this TEACHable Moments episode, I share 3 tips for helping the child who has trouble confronting conflict head-on!

So what's it like for you? Do you find words get in the way?
Have you left conflict to fester because you avoid confrontation?

Share your story of overcoming the fear of conflict in the comments below. I would love to hear about it.

And please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect! 

Talk soon,
Lori

Want more? Check out my free Conscious Communication Series - Top 4 Reasons Parents Can't Stop Nagging, Arguing, & Punishing(and how to set limits your kids will respect)! This 4-part series will introduce you to a new blueprint for setting limits and speaking from the heart.

 

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How to Connect With Your Child by Connecting With Yourself

 "Take care of you."  - "Kit DeLuca," Pretty Woman

Those four words - take care of you - echoed from my VCR every Saturday morning during my sophomore year at college. Pretty Woman was our weekend recovery ritual, but back then I had no idea how important those words really were.

At the time, self-care meant McDonald's milkshakes and chick-flick weekend marathons on the couch with my roomies.

I don't think I appreciated how crucial self-care was to my overall physical and emotional health until just a few years ago when I had no choice but to look at the big picture.

Not just look to see - was I maintaining?

But - was I thriving?

It is impossible to nurture respect and empathy in your child if you are running on nothing but cortisol and adrenaline.

This, I know.

How can you stay calm and compassionate and create an emotional climate that supports your child's growth when you're not skilled at caring for your own needs? 

You can't access compassion for your kid until you regularly practice it with yourself.

In this TEACHable Moments video, I'm sharing five simple steps to help you access some much-needed empathy for yourself which will allow you to connect with your child from a place of unconditional love and respect. 


"Empathy is the most radical of human emotions" @GloriaSteinem. (TWEET IT!) 

It takes courage and vulnerability to reach out to your children in those moments where their behavior seems out-of-control, uncalled for or downright rude.

When you notice yourself reacting, step back and observe the situation from a new point of view. 
Instead of exploding in anger or letting resentment build, choose to disconnect from your emotional storm by practicing these 5 steps to accessing compassion for yourself:
1. Reflect - what happened?
2. Reveal - how did it make me feel?
3. Allow - where did I feel it in my body?
4. Identify - what am I needing?
5. Create - what can I do in this moment to create a new vision?    How will you manage to find a bit of compassion for yourself when things get heated? Are you able to keep your cool and really LOVE yourself? 
Let me know by leaving a comment down below and adding your thoughts to the discussion! 

Thank you for reading and please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect!

Talk soon,
Lori 

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What To Do When Your Child Won't Stop Hitting the Cat (or other family pet)!

Pleeeeeease STOP hurting the cat!
Don't squeeze the dog!

Yes! I've been there - the HITTING stage.

Her friends, me, the dog - my daughter has hit, squeezed, and scratched them all.  

I put on my detective goggles more than a few times when she was young to determine the cause and the best solution for this - developmentally typical - but uncivilized behavior.

Why Do Kids Blame Others?

She made me do it.

He's bothering me!

Mooom! She did it AGAIN!

Sound familiar? Maybe a little too familiar?
 
If your children are comfortable playing the blame game, then it might feel like you're always micro-managing conflicts but your kids are never able to reach solutions on their own.

If your kids blame you or blame each other, then this episode of TEACHable Moments is for you!

4 Tips for Handling Your Child's Public Meltdowns

Have you ever felt like this after a day with your child?

Maybe after the tenth public meltdown, and a day of dodging judgmental bullets from retailers who are hoping you'll avoid their stores?

You been there? Yeah, me too.

Shame-Proof Your Relationship

Can you remember a time when someone said to you -- "I'm so disappointed in you" or "What were you thinking?"

How did you feel? Did those words produce the experience of feeling calm, reflective and resourceful? 

Did you pause to consider how your actions affected others or feel compelled to contribute to the change or did you just feel bad about yourself, and  maybe even a little bit embarrassed? 

Showing Appreciation

Have you ever felt judged by others because your child didn't say "thank you?" Did that feeling lead you to want to control or coerce your child?
 
How can we can teach our children to express their feelings of appreciation and gratitude without making them feel shame?

6 Tips to End Homework Battles

Is homework a struggle in your home? Did you like homework as a child?

I wasn't a huge fan of homework growing up, but homework in my day was NOTHING like the homework today.

It is way more intense and anxiety-producing for kids today than it was for me.

5 Tips for Effective Communication

Have you ever gone through one of those phases where your child finds fault with everything you do - no matter what?

Or, does it ever seem like every time you say "Up" - your child says "Down?"

Unmet needs, feeling incapable and helpless, or damaged relationships can unconsciously sway our moods without our permission or awareness and leave us feeling vulnerable and anxious long after the situation has passed.

As our kids grow, there will be times when they are experimenting with boundaries, testing our love, and trying to adapt to a fickle set of expectations from the world around them.

They may not always do it with grace or kindness.

How Do I Get My Kids to Be Kind to One Another?

Have you ever felt as though your kids have no respect for each other? Or, maybe their language and interactions could use an infusion of kindness?

Sometimes, it's easy to look at sibling or peer conflicts and determine what's wrong, judge it, and then, declare for our children what's fair and right (aka - what should happen next).

But, have you ever looked for the source of your unease with their conflicts on the inside instead of on the outside?

How Do I Get My Toddler To Stop Hitting?

Toddler problems?

I remember a very stressful time when my daughter was young, and we were planning a cross-country move. 

Not only was it stressful for her dad and me, but she was experiencing the same intense and uncomfortable emotions we were feeling, except she had fewer resources to manage her discomfort.

It was not a fun time. 

I couldn't leave her alone with her friends because she was aggressive and reactive, and hurting other kids. 

Can you say not-a-proud-mama-moment!

How Do I Get My Kids to Stop Fighting?

It's here! It's finally here! The premiere episode of my Conscious Parenting Q&A - TEACHable Moments! 

I have been so excited to put this youtube series - where I answer YOUR questions - on the calendar and start delivering you weekly conscious parenting tips, inspiration, and information.

My goal is to keep this short and sweet because we all know parents are short on time. Be sure to subscribe to my page so you can be notified when a new video is released!

Top 5 Mistakes Adults Make With Kids and Tips for Turning Resistance into Cooperation!

Much of the time, parents and teachers unknowingly spend their efforts focusing on the wrong things - behavior, compliance, rules, right vs. wrong, etc.

Unfortunately, this skewed perspective leads us down a path of resistance and moves us further from the connection and cooperation we are actually seeking.

Red Light - Green Light: Navigating Punitive Discipline at School

How would you react if your child came home with a behavior chart filled with red and yellow sad faces instead of happy green ones?

Or if your child's good-behavior barometer (a movable clothes pin) was constantly hovering in the yellow/red zone?

"You've got to try harder."
"Why can't you sit still?"
"You need to listen to the teacher." 

Have you ever considered the messages behavior management techniques, such as the stoplight behavior chart, send?

Punishment & Praise: Natural Consequences or Unintended Harm?

For as long as I have been a mom, it seems punishment and praise have been the subject of much debate. 

A revolution is happening in parenting today. 

Science has validated what many have known for years - that connection trumps control.

This focus on building children's emotional intelligence contradicts behaviorist theories, which use punitive measures and evaluations to control children’s behavior.

Model Child: What Happens When You Replace Punishment with Empathy & Skill Building

[Update: I wrote this when my daughter was 3. She's 12 now (2018), and she is still kind, compassionate, and even more emotionally intelligent, responsible, hardworking, and self-regulated (her teacher's words - not mine). She's experienced many consequences in her life, but she's never been punished. I say all this not to brag about my kid, but because our kids don't need punishment to understand right from wrong. They don't need to feel punitive adult-imposed pain to learn. In fact, they learn better when we stick with limits and natural consequences.

Being a conscious parent can be frustrating. Using empathy instead of punishment isn't a magical fix, and there is no simple path to growth. 

We must remain present in the moment while also staying thoughtful, compassionate, and creative to get everyone through the moment.

Supernanny Incites

The February 13th episode of Supernanny is beyond my mom logic. 

Have you seen it? It's the one now suffering a media onslaught (ratings hit) and child abuse investigation of its latest family in crisis. 

It went down like this: The Davis Family, a Deltona, Florida, clan of five, is the latest catalyst in extreme reality TV.

Other People's Kids

If kids model what they see and hear, then isn't sending them to school akin to submitting them to a virtual brainwashing academy by admission?

I mean, monkey-see monkey-do does not just refer to the wonderfully funny and developmentally appropriate activities of our children. 

It means bad manners, slang you’re too old to understand, and the motherload of all swear words.