What It Really Takes to Raise Emotionally Healthy Kids

What was your childhood like?
Do you remember feeling loved and happy?
Or was it a time filled with fear and loneliness?

Maybe it was a combination of both. What I struggled with most growing up was not knowing how to deal with feelings of unworthiness and being ostracized. I did not trust anyone enough to share those feelings.

The most devastating experience for me as a child was being rejected - whether by peers or parents.

How do we ensure that our children have the skills to master their emotions and take charge of their lives?

What to Do When You Don't Agree With Your Partner's Parenting

If you're married, parenting with a partner, or co-parenting with an ex, how often do you agree or feel like you're on the same page?

Are you skilled at communicating without others feeling attacked or criticized?

Even if you agree on basic parenting principles, it doesn't mean you'll see eye-to-eye on everything, and how you express your feelings about your differences will send your children essential messages about how to respond to conflict.

Let Your Kids Say No! (Teaching Assertive Language Skills)

Do you let your children say No? 

I don't mean do you let them "get away" with things?  I mean, do you allow them to disagree with you without getting angry, judging, shaming, or blaming them? 

Behavior is a Message

When you have a conflict with your child, how do you address behavior? Do you focus on what your child is doing or what he is needing?

Behaviors are messages.

Six Ways to Help Kids Who Worry

I used to worry all the time. I was a master at generalized anxiety. 

My daughter also tends to worry. She's often unsatisfied with my answer to her concerns or she thinks deeply about matters which seem to burden her young mind unnecessarily.

When I was a child, I didn't have the skills to deal with my anxiety. I didn't know what to do with the many thoughts and feelings that plagued my overactive mind. (Throughout my adolescent years, I was convinced that I had a terminal disease and spent many hours contemplating my imminent demise.) 

I needed a support system: 
PEOPLE
PERSPECTIVE
- and a PLAN.


Now, I find clarity and peace through simple mindful activities such as meditation or yoga. 

If I need a new perspective, I go for a walk or take a drive with the windows down and my favorite music blaring, or I call a close friend for support.

And sometimes, I veg out in front of the TV until I feel motivated to change watching reruns of my favorite childhood sitcoms with my daughter. 

They're not only fun to watch but also a source of constant parenting inspiration. 

The other day we watched the Brady Bunch episode, "Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy." It's the one where Cindy is the star of the play but can only invite ONE guest to see her perform.

She worried about it for days, and got conflicting advice from everyone until she finally quit the play! It got me thinking about how kids hold in their worries and don't always know what to do. 

In this TEACHable Moments video, I'm sharing six ways you can wipe out worries by creating healthy habits that help kids thrive.


What we say and how we say it can make the difference between a worry that grows into a debilitating fear and a worry that becomes a teachable moment, learning about endurance and how to take control of our thoughts. 

After you watch, I'd love to hear from you. What has been your child's biggest worry and ONE ACTION STEP you can take to help?  Leave me a comment and share your story!

Thanks so much for watching and for sharing!

Talk soon,
Lori

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What Rules Your Behavior (& How to Take Back Your Power)

Are you in the driver's seat of your emotions? Who is in your head directing your behaviors and reactions?
 
Most of us operate on auto-pilot, unaware of how our history is influencing the script.

Parenting Without Fear During The Holidays

Merry Christmas Eve! (if you celebrate)

Today, I'll be celebrating a few cultural traditions - one of which will be the Feast of the Seven Fishes. This Italian festival of seafood delicious-ness has always been one of my favorite events. 

Usually, I'm breaking with tradition, but this is the one time of the year that makes me nostalgic for the customs of my youth. 

35 Days of Gratitude

It's Thanksgiving Week in the US and even as the non-stop ads for Black Friday roll across my screen - reminding me that I should prepare to start shopping on Thanksgiving... I am reminding myself to return to gratitude to balance myself during this frenzied time of year.


Plus, I'm not a shopper. Shopping stresses me out. 

I find it tedious, and I'm anxious until the shopping mission is complete. Besides, I am certainly not leaving a holiday meal and a nice glass of Malbec for 50% of an HDTV. (Don't tell anyone but the [one] box TV I own and my laptop really do satisfy all my entertainment needs.) 

I'm not immune to nice things, though.  I like to have good and give good and receive good just as much as the next person, but even more than giving or getting - it is the feeling of gratitude that fills me with a sense of joy and contentedness.

How To Stop Yelling

Are you a yeller? I know this one all too well.

Just ask my kid how I could be a better mom, and she will likely tell you, "She shouldn't yell so much." 

Ohhh, how I try!

Words Can Get In The Way - How NOT to Talk to Kids

Do your kids have trouble "listening?" 

Do you feel like no matter what you say or do, you still end up begging, pleading, negotiating, or punishing to get cooperation, and usually, it's not willing cooperation?

Despite my conscious attempts to speak with kindness, acknowledge needs, and validate feelings, sometimes, I still find myself unable to connect with an emotionally resistant child.
 
At this moment, there is a fork in the road.

5 Ways To Effectively Praise Your Child

  Good job! Excellent swinging! What a nice boy you are! You're such a good girl!

What's that old adage? "Flattery will get you everywhere." Or is it anywhere...or nowhere?

 "Flattery is like friendship in show, but not in fruit." - Socrates (TWEET IT!)

Social Media and I Are "On-A-Break"

 
Remember "The One Where Rachel and Ross Take a Break?"

Yep, well I'm Ross (let's be real) and Social Media is my Rachel and I've decided we need to take a break.

Now, before you think this is some high-and-mighty ploy to make myself seem like a more conscious parent - or some holier-than-thou challenge to be cooler than the crowd and act "more connected" to my kid or pay more attention to my family.

It's not. 

Why Do Kids Blame Others?

She made me do it.

He's bothering me!

Mooom! She did it AGAIN!

Sound familiar? Maybe a little too familiar?
 
If your children are comfortable playing the blame game, then it might feel like you're always micro-managing conflicts but your kids are never able to reach solutions on their own.

If your kids blame you or blame each other, then this episode of TEACHable Moments is for you!

How to Reduce Stress By Grounding Yourself

When empathy is missing from our primary relationships, we wire up patterns of fear, inadequacy and self-protection. Conflict becomes ruled by our primitive brain because “to control others”  feels safer than “to be vulnerable.” 

Shame-Proof Your Relationship

Can you remember a time when someone said to you -- "I'm so disappointed in you" or "What were you thinking?"

How did you feel? Did those words produce the experience of feeling calm, reflective and resourceful? 

Did you pause to consider how your actions affected others or feel compelled to contribute to the change or did you just feel bad about yourself, and  maybe even a little bit embarrassed? 

Transforming Judgment

Do you feel like you try to be empathetic and yet your child's behavior doesn't change?

Are you in the habit of describing the conflict with your child by using words such as, defiant, disrespectful, rude, cranky, instigator, trouble-maker, or manipulative?

5 Steps to Peaceful Conflict Resolution

"But, Lori - what do I do when....

my child won't listen
my child is aggressive
my child refuses

- my child, my child, my child ..."

Have you ever been in the position of not knowing what to SAY or DO next.  

Showing Appreciation

Have you ever felt judged by others because your child didn't say "thank you?" Did that feeling lead you to want to control or coerce your child?
 
How can we can teach our children to express their feelings of appreciation and gratitude without making them feel shame?

Breaking Tradition: When Others Disapprove of Your Parenting

Do you ever face criticism, judgment or downright disapproval of your parenting choices from family members or peers?


Do you ever feel the pressure to conform - or maybe even give in to punitive ways just to avoid an argument or the glaring eyes of others?

Strengthen Your Relationship to Change Behavior

Are you stuck in a negative cycle with your kid and no matter what kind of discipline you use - punitive or non-punitive - it seems nothing changes?

Sometimes in our rush to stamp out unacceptable behavior, we unknowingly stamp out our children's ability to see themselves as worthy of change.