Manage Difficult Behaviors With Three Magic Words

Do your kids nag, complain, or whine about rules and limits?

Do they attempt to negotiate or beg for more TV, candy, toys, or playtime despite repeated warnings that the issue is not up for discussion?

Do you interpret these behaviors to mean that your kids aren't "listening" to you? 

Does that make you feel like you have to set firmer limits, but you don't know how?  

I've got a solution for you.

5 Proven Ways to Encourage Responsible Behavior in Your Kids

(Is your child under age 5? Click here for essential rules for communicating with young children)

"How can I be sure that I am encouraging responsible behavior in my children and not letting them "get away with things." - Tina, Mom of 3

This is a common and natural fear most parents have at one time or another.  

As kids grow past the preschool years, we typically expect them to display better behavior and more responsible actions.
 
However, what about those kids who don't seem to move past the meltdowns, or can't seem to stop and think before they act?

What's missing?

How is it possible to parent your children the same, and yet, have one who seems emotionally mature and on target, and another who appears to be stuck in juvenile behavior, unable to control his or her impulses?

3 Steps to Understanding Your Child's Behavior (Getting Back to Basics - Part III)

Some kids will look at a controlling parent and bury them in frustration (Sorry, Mom).

I know you want to help your kids grow out of childish behaviors and mature into adults who can cope without losing it, display empathy for others, and make thoughtful decisions.

I want to conclude our Getting Back to Basics series with the #1 conscious parenting principle.

Behavior is a Message

When you have a conflict with your child, how do you address behavior? Do you focus on what your child is doing or what he is needing?

Behaviors are messages.

Development Takes Time, Repetition & Relief

Developing maturity takes time, repetition and relief.

Time is necessary to allow a child's unique developmental path to unfold.  

Repetition happens when we practice moving through strong impulses and overwhelming emotions.

Relief happens when we feel that we have the support and/or the tools to move through a situation. 

What Rules Your Behavior (& How to Take Back Your Power)

Are you in the driver's seat of your emotions? Who is in your head directing your behaviors and reactions?
 
Most of us operate on auto-pilot, unaware of how our history is influencing the script.

5 Secrets to Building More Influence With Kids

Most of the time our efforts to combat negative behavior get caught up in COMBAT. Tears and exhaustion reign and power rules.

Whose power is ruling, though? It depends on the day.

You might hear a "No" - especially a repeated NO - and assume your child wants to cause trouble or get his way. You may regard this kind of behavior as a threat to your authority and sense willful disobedience. 

Making Sense of Behavior Through Connection

Have you ever felt the kind of stress where your mind shuts down and you lose all words?

Or have you ever felt so agitated that you became irrationally hostile or argumentative?


Have you ever been so discouraged that you just wanted everyone to leave you alone?

If you're breathing, then the answer is likely yes. So why do we give kids such a hard time when it happens to them? 

It took me a long time to learn to work my way through my emotions. Not around or away from - but through.  

My Teenager is Driving Me Crazy

Does your teen have a habit of saying one thing, and then doing another?

Maybe it includes:

• a few eye rolls
• constant forgetting
• refusing to do what's asked

I recall feeling a bit put-upon during my own teenage years.

If I was insubordinate with those in authority, it usually had something to do with me feeling taken advantage of, having no voice, or being unable to express the emotions that I was grappling with. A cycle of feeling unheard, misunderstood, and judged can increase misbehavior as kids use their non-verbal language to communicate what is really going on. 

Without the tools, words, or practice expressing emotions in positive ways, children can spiral into patterns of negativity.

When children feel controlled or afraid of the reactions of others, dysfunctional patterns of repressing emotion can develop. 

All kids, especially those who may shy away from asserting themselves, need to feel they have a voice - a say in what happens in their lives. 

 Punitive discipline often shuts down that voice in favor of obedience. 

We can't train children to feel or behave in certain ways by imposing consequences and hoping they internalize the desired behaviors.  

Effective discipline is about learning to manage our internal state so that we can confidently and positively release our stress, discomfort, or frustration. From that place of autonomy, we can consciously choose new thoughts and behaviors.

When we try to reason our way through emotional experiences with our children with language and logical consequences, we usually cause more harm than hope. Too much talking gets in the way because the language centers in the brain shut down under stress. Blood pressure rises, the heart pounds steadily, and our perspective is limited. 

When this happens, some children will fight you, and some will shut down, and/or run away.

This is why I am so passionate about giving you tools and communication tips which help you connect with your child. In this TEACHable Moments episode, I share 3 tips for helping the child who has trouble confronting conflict head-on!

So what's it like for you? Do you find words get in the way?
Have you left conflict to fester because you avoid confrontation?

Share your story of overcoming the fear of conflict in the comments below. I would love to hear about it.

And please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect! 

Talk soon,
Lori

Want more? Check out my free Conscious Communication Series - Top 4 Reasons Parents Can't Stop Nagging, Arguing, & Punishing(and how to set limits your kids will respect)! This 4-part series will introduce you to a new blueprint for setting limits and speaking from the heart.

 

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5 Ways to Increase Cooperation When Kids Won't Do Their Chores

How do you feel about chores?

Cooking dinner.
Doing the laundry.
Cleaning the house.

I am not ashamed to admit that I hate the repetition of routine chores and household tasks. 

Despite my contempt, the reality is that things must get done. But how? 

How to Connect With Your Child by Connecting With Yourself

 "Take care of you."  - "Kit DeLuca," Pretty Woman

Those four words - take care of you - echoed from my VCR every Saturday morning during my sophomore year at college. Pretty Woman was our weekend recovery ritual, but back then I had no idea how important those words really were.

At the time, self-care meant McDonald's milkshakes and chick-flick weekend marathons on the couch with my roomies.

I don't think I appreciated how crucial self-care was to my overall physical and emotional health until just a few years ago when I had no choice but to look at the big picture.

Not just look to see - was I maintaining?

But - was I thriving?

It is impossible to nurture respect and empathy in your child if you are running on nothing but cortisol and adrenaline.

This, I know.

How can you stay calm and compassionate and create an emotional climate that supports your child's growth when you're not skilled at caring for your own needs? 

You can't access compassion for your kid until you regularly practice it with yourself.

In this TEACHable Moments video, I'm sharing five simple steps to help you access some much-needed empathy for yourself which will allow you to connect with your child from a place of unconditional love and respect. 


"Empathy is the most radical of human emotions" @GloriaSteinem. (TWEET IT!) 

It takes courage and vulnerability to reach out to your children in those moments where their behavior seems out-of-control, uncalled for or downright rude.

When you notice yourself reacting, step back and observe the situation from a new point of view. 
Instead of exploding in anger or letting resentment build, choose to disconnect from your emotional storm by practicing these 5 steps to accessing compassion for yourself:
1. Reflect - what happened?
2. Reveal - how did it make me feel?
3. Allow - where did I feel it in my body?
4. Identify - what am I needing?
5. Create - what can I do in this moment to create a new vision?    How will you manage to find a bit of compassion for yourself when things get heated? Are you able to keep your cool and really LOVE yourself? 
Let me know by leaving a comment down below and adding your thoughts to the discussion! 

Thank you for reading and please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect!

Talk soon,
Lori 

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How to Talk to Your Kids About Lying

Nope, wasn't me - no way, no how!

Lying. That uncomfortable and trigger-producing behavior which freaks you out is actually a natural step in your child's development track.

When it comes to our children lying, I think we should be aware of it - but not in fear of it.

What To Do When Your Child Won't Stop Hitting the Cat (or other family pet)!

Pleeeeeease STOP hurting the cat!
Don't squeeze the dog!

Yes! I've been there - the HITTING stage.

Her friends, me, the dog - my daughter has hit, squeezed, and scratched them all.  

I put on my detective goggles more than a few times when she was young to determine the cause and the best solution for this - developmentally typical - but uncivilized behavior.

4 Tips for Handling Your Child's Public Meltdowns

Have you ever felt like this after a day with your child?

Maybe after the tenth public meltdown, and a day of dodging judgmental bullets from retailers who are hoping you'll avoid their stores?

You been there? Yeah, me too.

More Than Just Aspergers - Part I

Do you have a child with special needs - gifted, sensory processing, autism or developmentally delayed, OCD, ODD, twice exceptional or maybe your child has ADHD, a history of trauma, sensory processing, or even a learning disability?

By some accounts, 1 in 5 children has some diagnosable mental disorder which can include, anxiety disorders, disruptive behavior disorders, eating disorders, mood
disorders like depression or even schizophrenia.

Those stats don't sound so surprising when you consider a 2005 study that predicted almost HALF of ALL Americans will have a diagnosable mental illness in their lifetimes. 
 
Undeniably, many of us are suffering from a lack of internal peace and kids with special needs, delays or even high intelligence often have more anxiety than the general population.

In my own experience, growing up with lots of challenges but no diagnosis (Aspergers) or support has led me (NOW in my late 30's) to come face-to-face with some of my most embarrassing, frustrating and misunderstood habits as I see them mirrored back to me through my daughter. 


But unlike parents in the 70's, I have a chance at implementing understanding, compassion and REAL TOOLS for change!

In this week's TEACHable Moment, I am bringing you a special interview treat.

If you have a child diagnosed as an Asper-Kid (Aspergers) or even if you don't - you don't want to miss my chat with Jennifer Cook O'Toole, author and Asper-Mom to three kids on the spectrum.



She is going to share her journey and top tips for creating more good habits and minimizing anxiety in our most sensitive kids.

PART II of my interview with Jennifer is coming NEXT WEEK ...stay tuned!


Warmly,

Do you have an extra-sensitive kid? 

What do you do to help him develop his problem-solving or coping skills? Share your story in the comments below!

How to be Non-Punitive But Not Permissive!

Have you ever felt stuck teetering between punitive and permissive and not sure how to get out of it?

Does it seem like if you don't give consequences, then your child will never learn or will walk all over you?

Are you unsure of how to respond to negative behavior without blaming, shaming, or being judgmental?

I can tell you that just because I teach respectful communication does not mean that I don't struggle with parenting.

We teach what we most need to learn, eh?

5 Tips for Helping Your Family Manage Anger

Do you or your kids ever struggle with anger?  

Most of us have dealt with troubling emotions at some point in our lives. Anger is a normal emotion, and it isn't always a bad thing. 

How Do I Get My Kids to Be Kind to One Another?

Have you ever felt as though your kids have no respect for each other? Or, maybe their language and interactions could use an infusion of kindness?

Sometimes, it's easy to look at sibling or peer conflicts and determine what's wrong, judge it, and then, declare for our children what's fair and right (aka - what should happen next).

But, have you ever looked for the source of your unease with their conflicts on the inside instead of on the outside?

10 Tips For Helping Kids Who Don't Like Hearing "No!"

Many parents come to me in desperation wondering what they are doing wrong and why their kids are still resisting their limits and throwing tantrums even after they provide empathy, and calm, logical explanations.
 
The real reason? We expect empathy (and rational thinking) to magically change behavior.

Empathy is what children need to experience if we want to grow and strengthen the connections in the brain which govern mature behaviors.

We have to allow them to unravel in our presence.
Immaturity is a necessary stage of development. When we allow children to "meltdown" while we remain calm and emotionally available, we provide an essential outlet for their emotions.

This allows children to successfully recover from their feelings of frustration and helplessness and eventually learn to make new choices.

Behavioral change comes after emotions are felt, understood, and processed with the nonjudgmental support of someone who cares about us.

Be patient and supportive as your children learn to manage their feelings with the coping tools that you model and provide.

The hardest part is understanding that just because we set limits with kindness and compassion, it does not mean that children will immediately have the skills and cognitive capability to change their behavior.

Become aware of when you are allowing your discomfort to demand that your children obey or "get over" their feelings.

Make a new choice to model for them with compassion and curiosity about how to respond to life when it's not going their way.


They watch how you respond to:

• small inconveniences 
• other people's anger  
• their emotional highs and lows
  

- and they learn to react based on what they see and how it makes them feel. 

Is it safe to feel mad?
Is it okay to cry when we're sad?

 

How you respond to behaviors such as yelling, stomping, screaming, begging, or hitting makes all the difference in whether your children learn to rely on you to be their reset button.

Don't be offended by behavior. It's not about you.

It's immaturity. And, it's normal. You can build skills without force and punishment.

It takes time for children to take full control of their emotional systems and consistently show positive behaviors. 

Having someone set a boundary with understanding and compassion, and without trying to control the outcome, is what soothes the brain and drives maturity.

In this TEACHable Moments video, I share my top 10 tips for helping kids who don't like hearing "No!"

1. Look for food sensitivities which may be inhibiting positive behaviors.
2. Let go of judgment.
3. Re-frame your language.
4. Set clear, consistent limits.
5. Control the environment to help kids stay within the boundaries you have set.
6. Stay right-brained and connect emotionally.
7. Ask: what is this behavior communicating?
8. Get in some play-time to reconnect after a long day at school.
9. Wait until everyone is calm to teach lessons and problem-solve.
10. Know what sensory experiences help your child calm down.

What do you think?


How do you get your child to regulate and calm down after being upset? Share it in the comments below and help another community member who might be struggling.

Thanks so much for watching and reading!
 
Talk soon,
Lori

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How Do I Get My Toddler To Stop Hitting?

Toddler problems?

I remember a very stressful time when my daughter was young, and we were planning a cross-country move. 

Not only was it stressful for her dad and me, but she was experiencing the same intense and uncomfortable emotions we were feeling, except she had fewer resources to manage her discomfort.

It was not a fun time. 

I couldn't leave her alone with her friends because she was aggressive and reactive, and hurting other kids. 

Can you say not-a-proud-mama-moment!