What to Do When You Don't Agree With Your Partner's Parenting

If you're married, parenting with a partner, or co-parenting with an ex, how often do you agree or feel like you're on the same page?

Are you skilled at communicating without others feeling attacked or criticized?

Even if you agree on basic parenting principles, it doesn't mean you'll see eye-to-eye on everything, and how you express your feelings about your differences will send your children essential messages about how to respond to conflict.

Parent According to Your State

Guest Post by Christopher White, MD Founder of Essential Parenting and co-author of Mindful Discipline. 

One common mistake I see parents make — myself included — is to try and discipline/teach their child the same regardless of their level of reactivity.

It is more effective to adjust your intervention based on your state of mind in the moment.

Let Your Kids Say No! (Teaching Assertive Language Skills)

Do you let your children say No? 

I don't mean do you let them "get away" with things?  I mean, do you allow them to disagree with you without getting angry, judging, shaming, or blaming them? 

Can You Stay Calm When Your Child Isn't?

Are you comfortable sitting with discomfort? 

People talk about "holding space" for our kids which really means - can we stay present and emotionally available for them when they have big emotions?

We want to be able to manage our emotions without reacting to what we see.

When I was growing up, my family often expressed anger as a typical response to the smallest of problems, and without a better model, a pattern of reactivity became deeply embedded in my nervous system.

Repair and Apologies With Kids Do Not Have To Be Forced

Sometimes, repair takes its own creative path.  

I have refrained (as much as possible) from forcing my child to say "I'm sorry" because I wanted her to rely on her own conscience as she learns how her actions affect others. 

I didn't want my opinions or judgments to impose on her sense of self.  

Repair is the process of reconnecting after hurt feelings, angry words, or unacceptable behaviors.  

Words Can Get In The Way - How NOT to Talk to Kids

Do your kids have trouble "listening?" 

Do you feel like no matter what you say or do, you still end up begging, pleading, negotiating, or punishing to get cooperation, and usually, it's not willing cooperation?

Despite my conscious attempts to speak with kindness, acknowledge needs, and validate feelings, sometimes, I still find myself unable to connect with an emotionally resistant child.
 
At this moment, there is a fork in the road.

My Teenager is Driving Me Crazy

Does your teen have a habit of saying one thing, and then doing another?

Maybe it includes:

• a few eye rolls
• constant forgetting
• refusing to do what's asked

I recall feeling a bit put-upon during my own teenage years.

If I was insubordinate with those in authority, it usually had something to do with me feeling taken advantage of, having no voice, or being unable to express the emotions that I was grappling with. A cycle of feeling unheard, misunderstood, and judged can increase misbehavior as kids use their non-verbal language to communicate what is really going on. 

Without the tools, words, or practice expressing emotions in positive ways, children can spiral into patterns of negativity.

When children feel controlled or afraid of the reactions of others, dysfunctional patterns of repressing emotion can develop. 

All kids, especially those who may shy away from asserting themselves, need to feel they have a voice - a say in what happens in their lives. 

 Punitive discipline often shuts down that voice in favor of obedience. 

We can't train children to feel or behave in certain ways by imposing consequences and hoping they internalize the desired behaviors.  

Effective discipline is about learning to manage our internal state so that we can confidently and positively release our stress, discomfort, or frustration. From that place of autonomy, we can consciously choose new thoughts and behaviors.

When we try to reason our way through emotional experiences with our children with language and logical consequences, we usually cause more harm than hope. Too much talking gets in the way because the language centers in the brain shut down under stress. Blood pressure rises, the heart pounds steadily, and our perspective is limited. 

When this happens, some children will fight you, and some will shut down, and/or run away.

This is why I am so passionate about giving you tools and communication tips which help you connect with your child. In this TEACHable Moments episode, I share 3 tips for helping the child who has trouble confronting conflict head-on!

So what's it like for you? Do you find words get in the way?
Have you left conflict to fester because you avoid confrontation?

Share your story of overcoming the fear of conflict in the comments below. I would love to hear about it.

And please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect! 

Talk soon,
Lori

Want more? Check out my free Conscious Communication Series - Top 4 Reasons Parents Can't Stop Nagging, Arguing, & Punishing(and how to set limits your kids will respect)! This 4-part series will introduce you to a new blueprint for setting limits and speaking from the heart.

 

LIKE what you SEE? SHARE it with someone you LOVE!

Can't see the comments, try switching from mobile to desktop view.

5 Ways to Increase Cooperation When Kids Won't Do Their Chores

How do you feel about chores?

Cooking dinner.
Doing the laundry.
Cleaning the house.

I am not ashamed to admit that I hate the repetition of routine chores and household tasks. 

Despite my contempt, the reality is that things must get done. But how? 

How To Deal With The "Mean Girls"

"Mean Girls" 2004 Image: Fanpop

Has your child run into social troubles (or mean girls) during the transition from early childhood to adolescence?

If I had to pick one movie to describe my teenage years, it would be a cross somewhere between Lucas (1986) and The Craft (1996). 

Always the new girl - likable, but awkward. 

Fitting-in can be a common challenge for girls (and boys). One that has been memorialized in movies such as Tina Fey's, Mean Girls.

This female social game starts around age nine and can heat up during high school.

Why Do Kids Blame Others?

She made me do it.

He's bothering me!

Mooom! She did it AGAIN!

Sound familiar? Maybe a little too familiar?
 
If your children are comfortable playing the blame game, then it might feel like you're always micro-managing conflicts but your kids are never able to reach solutions on their own.

If your kids blame you or blame each other, then this episode of TEACHable Moments is for you!

5 Steps to Peaceful Conflict Resolution

"But, Lori - what do I do when....

my child won't listen
my child is aggressive
my child refuses

- my child, my child, my child ..."

Have you ever been in the position of not knowing what to SAY or DO next.  

Breaking Tradition: When Others Disapprove of Your Parenting

Do you ever face criticism, judgment or downright disapproval of your parenting choices from family members or peers?


Do you ever feel the pressure to conform - or maybe even give in to punitive ways just to avoid an argument or the glaring eyes of others?

5 Tips for Helping Your Family Manage Anger

Do you or your kids ever struggle with anger?  

Most of us have dealt with troubling emotions at some point in our lives. Anger is a normal emotion, and it isn't always a bad thing. 

6 Tips to End Homework Battles

Is homework a struggle in your home? Did you like homework as a child?

I wasn't a huge fan of homework growing up, but homework in my day was NOTHING like the homework today.

It is way more intense and anxiety-producing for kids today than it was for me.

5 Tips for Effective Communication

Have you ever gone through one of those phases where your child finds fault with everything you do - no matter what?

Or, does it ever seem like every time you say "Up" - your child says "Down?"

Unmet needs, feeling incapable and helpless, or damaged relationships can unconsciously sway our moods without our permission or awareness and leave us feeling vulnerable and anxious long after the situation has passed.

As our kids grow, there will be times when they are experimenting with boundaries, testing our love, and trying to adapt to a fickle set of expectations from the world around them.

They may not always do it with grace or kindness.

How Do I Get My Kids to Be Kind to One Another?

Have you ever felt as though your kids have no respect for each other? Or, maybe their language and interactions could use an infusion of kindness?

Sometimes, it's easy to look at sibling or peer conflicts and determine what's wrong, judge it, and then, declare for our children what's fair and right (aka - what should happen next).

But, have you ever looked for the source of your unease with their conflicts on the inside instead of on the outside?