Helping Anxious Children Manage Scary Thoughts

“My 7-year-old daughter has told me before, "I'm thinking of a bad word, but I know I shouldn't say it." I would respond with, "Well, don't say it." But, last night she wrote to me about how she had a "bad head" because she had a "bad thought." Can it be due to her moderate anxiety and her OCD tendencies? How can I help her when she says stuff like that?” - G

When our emotions hijack our sense of security, we can quickly drop into rigid, obsessive, and even irrational thoughts and unreasonable behaviors.  

How can we respond to our children's scary thoughts and help them to reflect and release any unhealthy thoughts or worrying emotions, so they don't internalize the negativity?

Struggling with Self-Care? What You Need to Do First

Guest Post by Christopher White, MD Founder of Essential Parenting and co-author of Mindful Discipline.  - See more at: http://mamablog.teach-through-love.com/2014/06/parent-according-to-your-state.html#sthash.sBqUoxF5.dpuf

Guest Post by Jessica Felix, Parent Coach. Follow her Facebook page Early Endeavors.

Guest Post by Christopher White, MD Founder of Essential Parenting and co-author of Mindful Discipline.  - See more at: http://mamablog.teach-through-love.com/2014/06/parent-according-to-your-state.html#sthash.sBqUo

All images via Dreamstime.com

Maybe you’ve heard the term “self-care” over and over again as you’ve sought parenting, wellness or life balance advice.

You try to fit it in – feeling more guilt for missing it than for feeding your kids fast food or sugary cereal!

Self-care seems to be this elusive ideal.

Like if you really had it together as a parent, you’d be able to weave self-care smoothly into your daily routine and, everything would be easier and more satisfying.

The problem is that when we focus on self-care first we are putting on blinders to the real need that we have as parents.
It isn’t enough for us to strive for self-care and wellness.

I know – you don’t need one more thing to do!

But hear me out. This one tip will make that elusive balance issue practically obsolete. We need to focus on our own acceptance of -

Let Your Kids Say No! (Teaching Assertive Language Skills)

Do you let your children say No? 

I don't mean do you let them "get away" with things?  I mean, do you allow them to disagree with you without getting angry, judging, shaming, or blaming them? 

Behavior is a Message

When you have a conflict with your child, how do you address behavior? Do you focus on what your child is doing or what he is needing?

Behaviors are messages.

Self-Care Solutions w/ Hunter Clarke-Fields

When someone asks me: "What's your self-care routine?" I have to refrain from answering, "Um... chocolate?"

At least that is my answer each time I fall off the self-care wagon. You see, I have a deep and insatiable love for all things chocolate. It can shift my mood - in a pinch.

Setting Limits On Screen Time

Have you ever had a video game addiction or a TV obsession?

In my early twenties, I was living in Hollywood and my new found friends recruited me to Buffy Nite.   

And for the next 5 years, every Tuesday, you could find me engrossed in the weekly sagas of this Joss Wheedon cult-TV-favorite.

Making Sense of Behavior Through Connection

Have you ever felt the kind of stress where your mind shuts down and you lose all words?

Or have you ever felt so agitated that you became irrationally hostile or argumentative?


Have you ever been so discouraged that you just wanted everyone to leave you alone?

If you're breathing, then the answer is likely yes. So why do we give kids such a hard time when it happens to them? 

It took me a long time to learn to work my way through my emotions. Not around or away from - but through.  

5 Tips For Dealing With Your Child's Stress

"But Lori, she looked me right in the eye and did it ANYWAY!"

I can't tell you how many times I've heard this from parents trying to understand their child's behavior. 

Have you ever felt like your child deliberately chose to misbehave or disobey you for NO reason? It can be maddening to experience behavior that seems deliberate or comes out of nowhere. 

One minute, you're having a great day and the next, your child is a blubbering mess on the floor or raging uncontrollably... and you're wondering what just happened.

Sometimes, kid-stress does not appear to have any obvious, outward signs.

My Teenager is Driving Me Crazy

Does your teen have a habit of saying one thing, and then doing another?

Maybe it includes:

• a few eye rolls
• constant forgetting
• refusing to do what's asked

I recall feeling a bit put-upon during my own teenage years.

If I was insubordinate with those in authority, it usually had something to do with me feeling taken advantage of, having no voice, or being unable to express the emotions that I was grappling with. A cycle of feeling unheard, misunderstood, and judged can increase misbehavior as kids use their non-verbal language to communicate what is really going on. 

Without the tools, words, or practice expressing emotions in positive ways, children can spiral into patterns of negativity.

When children feel controlled or afraid of the reactions of others, dysfunctional patterns of repressing emotion can develop. 

All kids, especially those who may shy away from asserting themselves, need to feel they have a voice - a say in what happens in their lives. 

 Punitive discipline often shuts down that voice in favor of obedience. 

We can't train children to feel or behave in certain ways by imposing consequences and hoping they internalize the desired behaviors.  

Effective discipline is about learning to manage our internal state so that we can confidently and positively release our stress, discomfort, or frustration. From that place of autonomy, we can consciously choose new thoughts and behaviors.

When we try to reason our way through emotional experiences with our children with language and logical consequences, we usually cause more harm than hope. Too much talking gets in the way because the language centers in the brain shut down under stress. Blood pressure rises, the heart pounds steadily, and our perspective is limited. 

When this happens, some children will fight you, and some will shut down, and/or run away.

This is why I am so passionate about giving you tools and communication tips which help you connect with your child. In this TEACHable Moments episode, I share 3 tips for helping the child who has trouble confronting conflict head-on!

So what's it like for you? Do you find words get in the way?
Have you left conflict to fester because you avoid confrontation?

Share your story of overcoming the fear of conflict in the comments below. I would love to hear about it.

And please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect! 

Talk soon,
Lori

Want more? Check out my free Conscious Communication Series - Top 4 Reasons Parents Can't Stop Nagging, Arguing, & Punishing(and how to set limits your kids will respect)! This 4-part series will introduce you to a new blueprint for setting limits and speaking from the heart.

 

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Brave the Back-to-School Blues

 
Is it back-to-school time for you and your kids? How is everyone feeling about the end of summer changes?

How To Deal With The "Mean Girls"

"Mean Girls" 2004 Image: Fanpop

Has your child run into social troubles (or mean girls) during the transition from early childhood to adolescence?

If I had to pick one movie to describe my teenage years, it would be a cross somewhere between Lucas (1986) and The Craft (1996). 

Always the new girl - likable, but awkward. 

Fitting-in can be a common challenge for girls (and boys). One that has been memorialized in movies such as Tina Fey's, Mean Girls.

This female social game starts around age nine and can heat up during high school.