Manage Difficult Behaviors With Three Magic Words

Do your kids nag, complain, or whine about rules and limits?

Do they attempt to negotiate or beg for more TV, candy, toys, or playtime despite repeated warnings that the issue is not up for discussion?

Do you interpret these behaviors to mean that your kids aren't "listening" to you? 

Does that make you feel like you have to set firmer limits, but you don't know how?  

I've got a solution for you.

Breaking Bad Habits (Getting Back to Basics Part II)

I want to talk about habits in Part II of our Getting Back to Basics series (see Part I here).

In my Conscious Communication Series, we do a lot of language transformation, shifting what we would typically say into something nonjudgmental, compassionate, and proactive.

We start by identifying our habits of reacting. I'm sure you could easily list your child's bad habits, but how about yours?

No Rules for Conscious Parents

Conscious parenting has no tricks to follow - only a path led by your heart and intuition. 

Development takes time. Maturity is achieved after a long childhood and after years of trial and error.
 
Not after you say, "No."
Not after you give the "limit."
Not after you use a "consequence."
 
But with time + tools. So give yourself a break.

Download a copy for yourself. http://bit.ly/1jLX42d Hang it up and remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect.

Your children weren't made to follow orders. They'll get it eventually - even if it takes some tears and repetition. 

Don't give up. Your child is worth it. SO ARE YOU.

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What's Wrong With Punitive Consequences?

In the past, I've shared my opinion about Supernanny. Writing posts like that one both terrifies me and thrills me. 

I don't like pissing people off, but I do love a good paradigm shift because my real passion is changing perspectives - not telling people how to parent.

What To Do When Your Child Won't Stop Hitting the Cat (or other family pet)!

Pleeeeeease STOP hurting the cat!
Don't squeeze the dog!

Yes! I've been there - the HITTING stage.

Her friends, me, the dog - my daughter has hit, squeezed, and scratched them all.  

I put on my detective goggles more than a few times when she was young to determine the cause and the best solution for this - developmentally typical - but uncivilized behavior.

Transforming Judgment

Do you feel like you try to be empathetic and yet your child's behavior doesn't change?

Are you in the habit of describing the conflict with your child by using words such as, defiant, disrespectful, rude, cranky, instigator, trouble-maker, or manipulative?

5 Steps to Peaceful Conflict Resolution

"But, Lori - what do I do when....

my child won't listen
my child is aggressive
my child refuses

- my child, my child, my child ..."

Have you ever been in the position of not knowing what to SAY or DO next.  

Strengthen Your Relationship to Change Behavior

Are you stuck in a negative cycle with your kid and no matter what kind of discipline you use - punitive or non-punitive - it seems nothing changes?

Sometimes in our rush to stamp out unacceptable behavior, we unknowingly stamp out our children's ability to see themselves as worthy of change.

How to be Non-Punitive But Not Permissive!

Have you ever felt stuck teetering between punitive and permissive and not sure how to get out of it?

Does it seem like if you don't give consequences, then your child will never learn or will walk all over you?

Are you unsure of how to respond to negative behavior without blaming, shaming, or being judgmental?

I can tell you that just because I teach respectful communication does not mean that I don't struggle with parenting.

We teach what we most need to learn, eh?

5 Tips for Effective Communication

Have you ever gone through one of those phases where your child finds fault with everything you do - no matter what?

Or, does it ever seem like every time you say "Up" - your child says "Down?"

Unmet needs, feeling incapable and helpless, or damaged relationships can unconsciously sway our moods without our permission or awareness and leave us feeling vulnerable and anxious long after the situation has passed.

As our kids grow, there will be times when they are experimenting with boundaries, testing our love, and trying to adapt to a fickle set of expectations from the world around them.

They may not always do it with grace or kindness.

How Do I Get My Toddler To Stop Hitting?

Toddler problems?

I remember a very stressful time when my daughter was young, and we were planning a cross-country move. 

Not only was it stressful for her dad and me, but she was experiencing the same intense and uncomfortable emotions we were feeling, except she had fewer resources to manage her discomfort.

It was not a fun time. 

I couldn't leave her alone with her friends because she was aggressive and reactive, and hurting other kids. 

Can you say not-a-proud-mama-moment!

What's That Behavior Really Saying?

I recently had to take the time to step back from work, the holiday scramble, and all those things that had me hurrying around leaving little time for quality interaction with those I love.

Busy parents can be quick to dismiss behavior at face value, taking it personally or ignoring the force driving the behavior especially when they are feeling stressed or pulled in too many directions.

Top 5 Mistakes Adults Make With Kids and Tips for Turning Resistance into Cooperation!

Much of the time, parents and teachers unknowingly spend their efforts focusing on the wrong things - behavior, compliance, rules, right vs. wrong, etc.

Unfortunately, this skewed perspective leads us down a path of resistance and moves us further from the connection and cooperation we are actually seeking.

Red Light - Green Light: Navigating Punitive Discipline at School

How would you react if your child came home with a behavior chart filled with red and yellow sad faces instead of happy green ones?

Or if your child's good-behavior barometer (a movable clothes pin) was constantly hovering in the yellow/red zone?

"You've got to try harder."
"Why can't you sit still?"
"You need to listen to the teacher." 

Have you ever considered the messages behavior management techniques, such as the stoplight behavior chart, send?

How I Got My Daughter To Leave the Playdate Smiling!

Children learn more from what we do, and how we make them feel than what we say. Having a high tolerance for age-typical behaviors is necessary for teaching self-regulation and creating respectful relationships. 

Unmanaged emotion sends children the message that we are not in control, and that they are the cause of our annoyance and not worthy of our respect. Those internalized feelings of guilt and shame become deeply embedded in their self-concept and profoundly affect their behavior. 

We can choose to be influential, modeling emotional resilience and showing children how to respond to anger, criticism, and failure with courage and determination.

Young children, especially, are vulnerable to our harsh reactions. Their immaturity can trigger us into forcing control, wanting compliance, or using consequences.

 

Feeling supported makes the difference between whether children learn to cope with challenge and disappointment skillfully or whether they adapt in unhealthy ways, acting out or stuffing their feelings only to explode later. 


What do you think? Have you tried addressing what's going on underneath the behavior? Do you notice a difference in their behavior when they do?

I'd love to hear about your experience. Share your thoughts in the comments. 

Thank you for reading and watching. Until next time, please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect!

Talk soon,
Lori

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