Why Your Words Matter

"Stupid, stupid… you’re such a dummy!" my father muttered to himself, over and over, as he paced the house. 

As a child, hearing my dad call himself names was unsettling. Now, as an adult with a child of my own, listening to him berate himself over a lost set of keys was eye-opening.

My Teenager is Driving Me Crazy

Does your teen have a habit of saying one thing, and then doing another?

Maybe it includes:

• a few eye rolls
• constant forgetting
• refusing to do what's asked

I recall feeling a bit put-upon during my own teenage years.

If I was insubordinate with those in authority, it usually had something to do with me feeling taken advantage of, having no voice, or being unable to express the emotions that I was grappling with. A cycle of feeling unheard, misunderstood, and judged can increase misbehavior as kids use their non-verbal language to communicate what is really going on. 

Without the tools, words, or practice expressing emotions in positive ways, children can spiral into patterns of negativity.

When children feel controlled or afraid of the reactions of others, dysfunctional patterns of repressing emotion can develop. 

All kids, especially those who may shy away from asserting themselves, need to feel they have a voice - a say in what happens in their lives. 

 Punitive discipline often shuts down that voice in favor of obedience. 

We can't train children to feel or behave in certain ways by imposing consequences and hoping they internalize the desired behaviors.  

Effective discipline is about learning to manage our internal state so that we can confidently and positively release our stress, discomfort, or frustration. From that place of autonomy, we can consciously choose new thoughts and behaviors.

When we try to reason our way through emotional experiences with our children with language and logical consequences, we usually cause more harm than hope. Too much talking gets in the way because the language centers in the brain shut down under stress. Blood pressure rises, the heart pounds steadily, and our perspective is limited. 

When this happens, some children will fight you, and some will shut down, and/or run away.

This is why I am so passionate about giving you tools and communication tips which help you connect with your child. In this TEACHable Moments episode, I share 3 tips for helping the child who has trouble confronting conflict head-on!

So what's it like for you? Do you find words get in the way?
Have you left conflict to fester because you avoid confrontation?

Share your story of overcoming the fear of conflict in the comments below. I would love to hear about it.

And please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect! 

Talk soon,
Lori

Want more? Check out my free Conscious Communication Series - Top 4 Reasons Parents Can't Stop Nagging, Arguing, & Punishing(and how to set limits your kids will respect)! This 4-part series will introduce you to a new blueprint for setting limits and speaking from the heart.

 

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What To Do When Kids Are Rude

Have you ever said the wrong thing? Put your foot in your mouth - unintentionally? 

For me, having Aspergers means I feel safe with scripts. I like to know what I am going to say - ahead of time - to avoid any gaffes.  Growing up, social blunders seemed to be my rule rather than my exception.

How to Reduce Stress By Grounding Yourself

When empathy is missing from our primary relationships, we wire up patterns of fear, inadequacy and self-protection. Conflict becomes ruled by our primitive brain because “to control others”  feels safer than “to be vulnerable.” 

Shame-Proof Your Relationship

Can you remember a time when someone said to you -- "I'm so disappointed in you" or "What were you thinking?"

How did you feel? Did those words produce the experience of feeling calm, reflective and resourceful? 

Did you pause to consider how your actions affected others or feel compelled to contribute to the change or did you just feel bad about yourself, and  maybe even a little bit embarrassed? 

5 Steps to Peaceful Conflict Resolution

"But, Lori - what do I do when....

my child won't listen
my child is aggressive
my child refuses

- my child, my child, my child ..."

Have you ever been in the position of not knowing what to SAY or DO next.  

Showing Appreciation

Have you ever felt judged by others because your child didn't say "thank you?" Did that feeling lead you to want to control or coerce your child?
 
How can we can teach our children to express their feelings of appreciation and gratitude without making them feel shame?

Breaking Tradition: When Others Disapprove of Your Parenting

Do you ever face criticism, judgment or downright disapproval of your parenting choices from family members or peers?


Do you ever feel the pressure to conform - or maybe even give in to punitive ways just to avoid an argument or the glaring eyes of others?

5 Tips for Effective Communication

Have you ever gone through one of those phases where your child finds fault with everything you do - no matter what?

Or, does it ever seem like every time you say "Up" - your child says "Down?"

Unmet needs, feeling incapable and helpless, or damaged relationships can unconsciously sway our moods without our permission or awareness and leave us feeling vulnerable and anxious long after the situation has passed.

As our kids grow, there will be times when they are experimenting with boundaries, testing our love, and trying to adapt to a fickle set of expectations from the world around them.

They may not always do it with grace or kindness.

How Do I Get My Kids to Stop Fighting?

It's here! It's finally here! The premiere episode of my Conscious Parenting Q&A - TEACHable Moments! 

I have been so excited to put this youtube series - where I answer YOUR questions - on the calendar and start delivering you weekly conscious parenting tips, inspiration, and information.

My goal is to keep this short and sweet because we all know parents are short on time. Be sure to subscribe to my page so you can be notified when a new video is released!

Want Your Kids to Share Their World With You? Try this.

My daughter's "first day of school jitters" got me thinking about the messages we send kids when we don't listen to their fears. 

I mean really listen.

We tell them so much by how we respond (or avoid) their attempts to connect with us emotionally. 

How I Got My Daughter To Leave the Playdate Smiling!

Children learn more from what we do, and how we make them feel than what we say. Having a high tolerance for age-typical behaviors is necessary for teaching self-regulation and creating respectful relationships. 

Unmanaged emotion sends children the message that we are not in control, and that they are the cause of our annoyance and not worthy of our respect. Those internalized feelings of guilt and shame become deeply embedded in their self-concept and profoundly affect their behavior. 

We can choose to be influential, modeling emotional resilience and showing children how to respond to anger, criticism, and failure with courage and determination.

Young children, especially, are vulnerable to our harsh reactions. Their immaturity can trigger us into forcing control, wanting compliance, or using consequences.

 

Feeling supported makes the difference between whether children learn to cope with challenge and disappointment skillfully or whether they adapt in unhealthy ways, acting out or stuffing their feelings only to explode later. 


What do you think? Have you tried addressing what's going on underneath the behavior? Do you notice a difference in their behavior when they do?

I'd love to hear about your experience. Share your thoughts in the comments. 

Thank you for reading and watching. Until next time, please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect!

Talk soon,
Lori

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