The Key to Better Behavior (How to Build Connection!)

Kids get upset for all kinds of reasons, and rather than rationally and calmly discussing what's wrong or making new decisions, they often act out.

Sure, it's normal. Children are immature and unable to shift gears with the flexibility and emotional grace of adults, but that doesn't make it any easier to handle.

It can be exhausting and frustrating, leading us to angry outbursts and resistance from our kids. If you feel like you're in a downward spiral of negativity, connection is the key to better behavior. 

Discipline Burnout (Getting Back to Basics)

Do you ever feel burned out? 
 
Is the stress palpable, and you sense you don't have another ounce of energy to do what needs to be done, so you -

avoid

procrastinate

forget

You know that time of year when everyone is aching for a summer break...

Reactions vs. Responses

How do you respond to conflict?

Do you wince in irritation when your child starts whining?
Do you turn threatening, scary, or react with impatience when your kids start fighting?

Maybe you take a very left-brained, logical, and practical approach when emotions run high?

You may have noticed any one of these reactions often leads to a communication fail.

It can be frustrating.We think we are responding, but we're really stuck in reactive mode or only able to focus on problem solving, advising, or fixing.

Addressing negative behavior requires you to remain emotional - not logical. You have to connect first and move from being reactionary and defensive to being responsive and receptive.

This is a leadership skill which takes an enormous amount of self-care to develop. You'll need to have patience, awareness, and a ton of self-respect before you can find the compassion you need to lead without force. 

Here are some tips and ideas to remind you what you can say to remain emotionally responsive and available to help your children build skills.

The Truth About Arguing

Do you let your kids argue with you or with each other?
 
When I was growing up, my love of debate and my direct, logical manner was often misinterpreted as anger or rebellion. My intention to engage others in a thoughtful dialogue was misread as being stubborn and argumentative.

Growth Happens When You Aren't Looking

Welcome to the January 2014 Carnival of Natural Parenting: The More Things Stay the Same

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have talked about the continuity and constancy in their lives. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

When you decide to raise a child without punitive consequences, you will likely be questioned and admired - and also booed, blamed and thought to be irresponsibly contributing to the downfall of society.

You will need the strength of Hercules and the patience of Mother Teresa because growth is sometimes slow to see, but that doesn't mean just because everything looks the same – that nothing is changing.

Why Empathy Doesn't Work - 5 Strategies to Help Kids Express Themselves

When you make the switch to being more conscious and aware of your words and actions - using empathy becomes your "first aid" for negativity. 

Empathy allows us to move through our emotions so we can regain control of our thoughts and behaviors, but for children, self-regulation is a skill which takes time to develop.

You may want (or expect) immediate change. When you are new to parenting with empathy instead of control (and even if you aren't), you may find yourself thinking, "I'm using empathy but my child still won't listen."

Parenting Without Fear During The Holidays

Merry Christmas Eve! (if you celebrate)

Today, I'll be celebrating a few cultural traditions - one of which will be the Feast of the Seven Fishes. This Italian festival of seafood delicious-ness has always been one of my favorite events. 

Usually, I'm breaking with tradition, but this is the one time of the year that makes me nostalgic for the customs of my youth. 

Repair and Apologies With Kids Do Not Have To Be Forced

Sometimes, repair takes its own creative path.  

I have refrained (as much as possible) from forcing my child to say "I'm sorry" because I wanted her to rely on her own conscience as she learns how her actions affect others. 

I didn't want my opinions or judgments to impose on her sense of self.  

Repair is the process of reconnecting after hurt feelings, angry words, or unacceptable behaviors.  

Making Sense of Behavior Through Connection

Have you ever felt the kind of stress where your mind shuts down and you lose all words?

Or have you ever felt so agitated that you became irrationally hostile or argumentative?


Have you ever been so discouraged that you just wanted everyone to leave you alone?

If you're breathing, then the answer is likely yes. So why do we give kids such a hard time when it happens to them? 

It took me a long time to learn to work my way through my emotions. Not around or away from - but through.  

Social Media and I Are "On-A-Break"

 
Remember "The One Where Rachel and Ross Take a Break?"

Yep, well I'm Ross (let's be real) and Social Media is my Rachel and I've decided we need to take a break.

Now, before you think this is some high-and-mighty ploy to make myself seem like a more conscious parent - or some holier-than-thou challenge to be cooler than the crowd and act "more connected" to my kid or pay more attention to my family.

It's not. 

How to Connect With Your Child by Connecting With Yourself

 "Take care of you."  - "Kit DeLuca," Pretty Woman

Those four words - take care of you - echoed from my VCR every Saturday morning during my sophomore year at college. Pretty Woman was our weekend recovery ritual, but back then I had no idea how important those words really were.

At the time, self-care meant McDonald's milkshakes and chick-flick weekend marathons on the couch with my roomies.

I don't think I appreciated how crucial self-care was to my overall physical and emotional health until just a few years ago when I had no choice but to look at the big picture.

Not just look to see - was I maintaining?

But - was I thriving?

It is impossible to nurture respect and empathy in your child if you are running on nothing but cortisol and adrenaline.

This, I know.

How can you stay calm and compassionate and create an emotional climate that supports your child's growth when you're not skilled at caring for your own needs? 

You can't access compassion for your kid until you regularly practice it with yourself.

In this TEACHable Moments video, I'm sharing five simple steps to help you access some much-needed empathy for yourself which will allow you to connect with your child from a place of unconditional love and respect. 


"Empathy is the most radical of human emotions" @GloriaSteinem. (TWEET IT!) 

It takes courage and vulnerability to reach out to your children in those moments where their behavior seems out-of-control, uncalled for or downright rude.

When you notice yourself reacting, step back and observe the situation from a new point of view. 
Instead of exploding in anger or letting resentment build, choose to disconnect from your emotional storm by practicing these 5 steps to accessing compassion for yourself:
1. Reflect - what happened?
2. Reveal - how did it make me feel?
3. Allow - where did I feel it in my body?
4. Identify - what am I needing?
5. Create - what can I do in this moment to create a new vision?    How will you manage to find a bit of compassion for yourself when things get heated? Are you able to keep your cool and really LOVE yourself? 
Let me know by leaving a comment down below and adding your thoughts to the discussion! 

Thank you for reading and please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect!

Talk soon,
Lori 

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Why Do Kids Blame Others?

She made me do it.

He's bothering me!

Mooom! She did it AGAIN!

Sound familiar? Maybe a little too familiar?
 
If your children are comfortable playing the blame game, then it might feel like you're always micro-managing conflicts but your kids are never able to reach solutions on their own.

If your kids blame you or blame each other, then this episode of TEACHable Moments is for you!

How to Reduce Stress By Grounding Yourself

When empathy is missing from our primary relationships, we wire up patterns of fear, inadequacy and self-protection. Conflict becomes ruled by our primitive brain because “to control others”  feels safer than “to be vulnerable.” 

More Than Just Aspergers - Part I

Do you have a child with special needs - gifted, sensory processing, autism or developmentally delayed, OCD, ODD, twice exceptional or maybe your child has ADHD, a history of trauma, sensory processing, or even a learning disability?

By some accounts, 1 in 5 children has some diagnosable mental disorder which can include, anxiety disorders, disruptive behavior disorders, eating disorders, mood
disorders like depression or even schizophrenia.

Those stats don't sound so surprising when you consider a 2005 study that predicted almost HALF of ALL Americans will have a diagnosable mental illness in their lifetimes. 
 
Undeniably, many of us are suffering from a lack of internal peace and kids with special needs, delays or even high intelligence often have more anxiety than the general population.

In my own experience, growing up with lots of challenges but no diagnosis (Aspergers) or support has led me (NOW in my late 30's) to come face-to-face with some of my most embarrassing, frustrating and misunderstood habits as I see them mirrored back to me through my daughter. 


But unlike parents in the 70's, I have a chance at implementing understanding, compassion and REAL TOOLS for change!

In this week's TEACHable Moment, I am bringing you a special interview treat.

If you have a child diagnosed as an Asper-Kid (Aspergers) or even if you don't - you don't want to miss my chat with Jennifer Cook O'Toole, author and Asper-Mom to three kids on the spectrum.



She is going to share her journey and top tips for creating more good habits and minimizing anxiety in our most sensitive kids.

PART II of my interview with Jennifer is coming NEXT WEEK ...stay tuned!


Warmly,

Do you have an extra-sensitive kid? 

What do you do to help him develop his problem-solving or coping skills? Share your story in the comments below!

Shame-Proof Your Relationship

Can you remember a time when someone said to you -- "I'm so disappointed in you" or "What were you thinking?"

How did you feel? Did those words produce the experience of feeling calm, reflective and resourceful? 

Did you pause to consider how your actions affected others or feel compelled to contribute to the change or did you just feel bad about yourself, and  maybe even a little bit embarrassed? 

Transforming Judgment

Do you feel like you try to be empathetic and yet your child's behavior doesn't change?

Are you in the habit of describing the conflict with your child by using words such as, defiant, disrespectful, rude, cranky, instigator, trouble-maker, or manipulative?

5 Steps to Peaceful Conflict Resolution

"But, Lori - what do I do when....

my child won't listen
my child is aggressive
my child refuses

- my child, my child, my child ..."

Have you ever been in the position of not knowing what to SAY or DO next.  

Showing Appreciation

Have you ever felt judged by others because your child didn't say "thank you?" Did that feeling lead you to want to control or coerce your child?
 
How can we can teach our children to express their feelings of appreciation and gratitude without making them feel shame?

Breaking Tradition: When Others Disapprove of Your Parenting

Do you ever face criticism, judgment or downright disapproval of your parenting choices from family members or peers?


Do you ever feel the pressure to conform - or maybe even give in to punitive ways just to avoid an argument or the glaring eyes of others?

6 Tips to End Homework Battles

Is homework a struggle in your home? Did you like homework as a child?

I wasn't a huge fan of homework growing up, but homework in my day was NOTHING like the homework today.

It is way more intense and anxiety-producing for kids today than it was for me.