Let Your Kids Say No! (Teaching Assertive Language Skills)

Do you let your children say No? 

I don't mean do you let them "get away" with things?  I mean, do you allow them to disagree with you without getting angry, judging, shaming, or blaming them? 

What To Do When Kids Are Rude

Have you ever said the wrong thing? Put your foot in your mouth - unintentionally? 

For me, having Aspergers means I feel safe with scripts. I like to know what I am going to say - ahead of time - to avoid any gaffes.  Growing up, social blunders seemed to be my rule rather than my exception.

5 Ways to Increase Cooperation When Kids Won't Do Their Chores

How do you feel about chores?

Cooking dinner.
Doing the laundry.
Cleaning the house.

I am not ashamed to admit that I hate the repetition of routine chores and household tasks. 

Despite my contempt, the reality is that things must get done. But how? 

Brave the Back-to-School Blues

 
Is it back-to-school time for you and your kids? How is everyone feeling about the end of summer changes?

What To Do When Your Child Won't Stop Hitting the Cat (or other family pet)!

Pleeeeeease STOP hurting the cat!
Don't squeeze the dog!

Yes! I've been there - the HITTING stage.

Her friends, me, the dog - my daughter has hit, squeezed, and scratched them all.  

I put on my detective goggles more than a few times when she was young to determine the cause and the best solution for this - developmentally typical - but uncivilized behavior.

4 Tips for Handling Your Child's Public Meltdowns

Have you ever felt like this after a day with your child?

Maybe after the tenth public meltdown, and a day of dodging judgmental bullets from retailers who are hoping you'll avoid their stores?

You been there? Yeah, me too.

More Than Just Aspergers - Part II

Does your child have communication difficulties or have trouble meeting the expectations of others? 
-  or -  
Does your child have trouble relating to peers or ever been called rude, lacking empathy or too sensitive? 

Growing up as an Aspie usually means
that you've heard all of the above.

Showing Appreciation

Have you ever felt judged by others because your child didn't say "thank you?" Did that feeling lead you to want to control or coerce your child?
 
How can we can teach our children to express their feelings of appreciation and gratitude without making them feel shame?

How to be Non-Punitive But Not Permissive!

Have you ever felt stuck teetering between punitive and permissive and not sure how to get out of it?

Does it seem like if you don't give consequences, then your child will never learn or will walk all over you?

Are you unsure of how to respond to negative behavior without blaming, shaming, or being judgmental?

I can tell you that just because I teach respectful communication does not mean that I don't struggle with parenting.

We teach what we most need to learn, eh?

5 Tips for Helping Your Family Manage Anger

Do you or your kids ever struggle with anger?  

Most of us have dealt with troubling emotions at some point in our lives. Anger is a normal emotion, and it isn't always a bad thing. 

10 Tips For Helping Kids Who Don't Like Hearing "No!"

Many parents come to me in desperation wondering what they are doing wrong and why their kids are still resisting their limits and throwing tantrums even after they provide empathy, and calm, logical explanations.
 
The real reason? We expect empathy (and rational thinking) to magically change behavior.

Empathy is what children need to experience if we want to grow and strengthen the connections in the brain which govern mature behaviors.

We have to allow them to unravel in our presence.
Immaturity is a necessary stage of development. When we allow children to "meltdown" while we remain calm and emotionally available, we provide an essential outlet for their emotions.

This allows children to successfully recover from their feelings of frustration and helplessness and eventually learn to make new choices.

Behavioral change comes after emotions are felt, understood, and processed with the nonjudgmental support of someone who cares about us.

Be patient and supportive as your children learn to manage their feelings with the coping tools that you model and provide.

The hardest part is understanding that just because we set limits with kindness and compassion, it does not mean that children will immediately have the skills and cognitive capability to change their behavior.

Become aware of when you are allowing your discomfort to demand that your children obey or "get over" their feelings.

Make a new choice to model for them with compassion and curiosity about how to respond to life when it's not going their way.


They watch how you respond to:

• small inconveniences 
• other people's anger  
• their emotional highs and lows
  

- and they learn to react based on what they see and how it makes them feel. 

Is it safe to feel mad?
Is it okay to cry when we're sad?

 

How you respond to behaviors such as yelling, stomping, screaming, begging, or hitting makes all the difference in whether your children learn to rely on you to be their reset button.

Don't be offended by behavior. It's not about you.

It's immaturity. And, it's normal. You can build skills without force and punishment.

It takes time for children to take full control of their emotional systems and consistently show positive behaviors. 

Having someone set a boundary with understanding and compassion, and without trying to control the outcome, is what soothes the brain and drives maturity.

In this TEACHable Moments video, I share my top 10 tips for helping kids who don't like hearing "No!"

1. Look for food sensitivities which may be inhibiting positive behaviors.
2. Let go of judgment.
3. Re-frame your language.
4. Set clear, consistent limits.
5. Control the environment to help kids stay within the boundaries you have set.
6. Stay right-brained and connect emotionally.
7. Ask: what is this behavior communicating?
8. Get in some play-time to reconnect after a long day at school.
9. Wait until everyone is calm to teach lessons and problem-solve.
10. Know what sensory experiences help your child calm down.

What do you think?


How do you get your child to regulate and calm down after being upset? Share it in the comments below and help another community member who might be struggling.

Thanks so much for watching and reading!
 
Talk soon,
Lori

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What's That Behavior Really Saying?

I recently had to take the time to step back from work, the holiday scramble, and all those things that had me hurrying around leaving little time for quality interaction with those I love.

Busy parents can be quick to dismiss behavior at face value, taking it personally or ignoring the force driving the behavior especially when they are feeling stressed or pulled in too many directions.

Top 5 Mistakes Adults Make With Kids and Tips for Turning Resistance into Cooperation!

Much of the time, parents and teachers unknowingly spend their efforts focusing on the wrong things - behavior, compliance, rules, right vs. wrong, etc.

Unfortunately, this skewed perspective leads us down a path of resistance and moves us further from the connection and cooperation we are actually seeking.

Kate Takes Aim...

And Leah's bum appears to be the unfortunate target. So, Kate Gosselin got caught spanking her kid, and apparently, the neighbors claim they're not that nice to their dogs either. What's the big deal, you ask?

Let us not focus upon this media frenzy of a family in crisis, you say. Okay, let's not.

I stumbled upon this thought-provoking video from a TED conference where Sir Ken Robinson addresses the lack of arts and dance in our educational systems around the world. He surmises that schools are actually killing creativity and crushing the natural talents that all children are born with.

I agree that there is a clear hierarchy among school subjects, with math and science leading the charge, followed by language arts and the social sciences. Alas, somewhere at the bottom, if there is enough money or interest, there may be a music or arts program, but rarely, if ever, will you see education being taught through dance.

Why is that?

Why do schools not support the full use of our bodily talents? Why do we insist on educating our children from the neck up? Parents are battling to secure admission to top-notch preschools because, apparently, this is now crucial to securing our child's future (or at least a spot on an Ivy League admissions list).

But still, the traditional rote pedagogy served up in most schools is no substitute for a real education, and Sir Ken explains why. Hats off to TED and Ken for tackling the inadequate reality of modern education and doing it with a dollop of humor! 

Talk soon,
Lori


What are your school experiences or ideas for restoring a paradigm that supports educating the whole child? 

Post your comments below and let me know!

Not My Nanny!

Oh Supernanny! You've brought a palliative calm to many American families. Gliding in on your broom to deliver copious amounts of British charm and disciplined doses of the naughty mat.

But is this strict regimen of punishments and rewards a true recipe for family success?

The Art of No Complaining

Ever have one of those days where everything in your world just seems off? 

No matter what you do, you can't get your kids to acquiesce to even the smallest of requests. 

You find yourself turning into a raging lunatic, and 8 o'clock can't get here soon enough.

Hopefully, you have been following my TEACHable Moments, and those days are becoming few and far between, but if and when you experience that kind of discordance, you don't have to battle your way to bedtime.

An attitude of gratitude sometimes starts with a little less bitchin'.