How Do I Stop Reacting? (Handling Your Anger in Front of Your Kids)

After asking, "How do I stop the negative behavior?" most parents ask, "How do I stop reacting?"

Once you understand and expect that children will cry, whine, resist, and push and you realize it isn't your job to fix anything - the next logical question is "Well, then how do I stop getting so angry?"

It is the peeling of an onion. 

I don't know that we can stop getting angry as much as we can shift to a state of responsibly managing our anger and initiating repair when our fury affects our children.

Parenting Under Stress: Advice & Support

All children test boundaries, right?

However, holding those boundaries without getting angry and being able to set limits compassionately takes an incredible amount of self-awareness and emotional maturity. 

Do you feel like you need to brush up on your self-regulation skills?

Children need us to be attentive and available to help them regain their emotional balance. 

In the early years, a child's emotional balance can be thrown off needing to be reset as often as every FIVE minutes.

Intense? Draining?

Just a weeeee bit.

How to Communicate With Angry or Aggressive Kids

How do you know when your child's emotional needs are languishing?

My daughter can be quick to anger, and her level of reactivity is often my first clue to her current emotional state. Angry kids have unmet needs - and whether those needs are due to a loss of connection, a lack of skill, or a stressed state, they need more from us than just criticism and control.

No Rules for Conscious Parents

Conscious parenting has no tricks to follow - only a path led by your heart and intuition. 

Development takes time. Maturity is achieved after a long childhood and after years of trial and error.
 
Not after you say, "No."
Not after you give the "limit."
Not after you use a "consequence."
 
But with time + tools. So give yourself a break.

Download a copy for yourself. http://bit.ly/1jLX42d Hang it up and remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect.

Your children weren't made to follow orders. They'll get it eventually - even if it takes some tears and repetition. 

Don't give up. Your child is worth it. SO ARE YOU.

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Why Supernanny is DEAD WRONG!

 

(Read Part 2 of this post here)   

I've really had it with Supernanny.

That's how *this parent* feels. You know when you've really had it with your kids. That's how I feel about this woman who has made a brand out of bad advice that just got disturbingly worse. 

Supernanny was on Good Morning America recently in a segment called, "Taming Toddler Tantrums." With the wealth of information and speakers available to speak on child-rearing and current best practices, I expected more from GMA.

Click here to TWEET GMA and tell them we need to TEACH through Love!

Reactions vs. Responses

How do you respond to conflict?

Do you wince in irritation when your child starts whining?
Do you turn threatening, scary, or react with impatience when your kids start fighting?

Maybe you take a very left-brained, logical, and practical approach when emotions run high?

You may have noticed any one of these reactions often leads to a communication fail.

It can be frustrating.We think we are responding, but we're really stuck in reactive mode or only able to focus on problem solving, advising, or fixing.

Addressing negative behavior requires you to remain emotional - not logical. You have to connect first and move from being reactionary and defensive to being responsive and receptive.

This is a leadership skill which takes an enormous amount of self-care to develop. You'll need to have patience, awareness, and a ton of self-respect before you can find the compassion you need to lead without force. 

Here are some tips and ideas to remind you what you can say to remain emotionally responsive and available to help your children build skills.

When Your Toddler Wants to Give Back the New Baby

So tell me, has this ever happened to you?

You bring home the new baby and your older child reacts by demanding that you immediately return the tiny, wailing human to the hospital (or trade "it" in for a puppy), and no amount of consoling, controlling, punishing or gentle reminding can contain his mounting frustration and loose limbs?

Parenting Without Fear During The Holidays

Merry Christmas Eve! (if you celebrate)

Today, I'll be celebrating a few cultural traditions - one of which will be the Feast of the Seven Fishes. This Italian festival of seafood delicious-ness has always been one of my favorite events. 

Usually, I'm breaking with tradition, but this is the one time of the year that makes me nostalgic for the customs of my youth. 

Mastering The Perspective Shift

#turkeystuffed
#pickyeaters
#toomanyleftovers

How do you describe the problems you are facing?

I've noticed that the more I explain my "problems" without judging myself or others - the more open I am to new and creative solutions.

Solutions I may NEVER have noticed had I not changed my point of view. 

Mastering the perspective-shift is a crucial part of conscious, non-punitive, non-permissive parenting.

How To Stop Yelling

Are you a yeller? I know this one all too well.

Just ask my kid how I could be a better mom, and she will likely tell you, "She shouldn't yell so much." 

Ohhh, how I try!

4 Ways You Can Help Your Child Cope With Tragedy

Well, it happened again.  

Another school shooting. Another deadly day in an otherwise quiet town.

Ironically, I had this #TEACHableMoments episode shot and scheduled for next week. I didn't realize how timely it would become.

The insta-response from the media seems to be to fill up their interview slots with as many political gun debates as they can squeeze in. 

Inviting "experts" to nullify each other's facts, as the pundits declare dead heroes and scrutinize the suspects.

5 Ways You Can Let Natural Consequences Teach

Do mornings at your house ever sound something like this?

Get dressed!
You're going to be late.
I need you to get your shoes on!
Why haven't you brushed your teeth yet?
Why are you messing around?
You have to finish your breakfast.
It's time to leave.
Here, here are some socks.
Put them on.
Don't you know where your backpack is?
I'll grab your lunch.
Now you're going to be late.

How Kids Heal Through Play

PLAY is exactly what is missing from our adult-centered days.
 
Kids thrive on play.
Play is their daily work.
It's how they learn.
It's the way they communicate.

But it's so easy to forget the importance (and hidden gems) of this life-affirming activity. 

My Teenager is Driving Me Crazy

Does your teen have a habit of saying one thing, and then doing another?

Maybe it includes:

• a few eye rolls
• constant forgetting
• refusing to do what's asked

I recall feeling a bit put-upon during my own teenage years.

If I was insubordinate with those in authority, it usually had something to do with me feeling taken advantage of, having no voice, or being unable to express the emotions that I was grappling with. A cycle of feeling unheard, misunderstood, and judged can increase misbehavior as kids use their non-verbal language to communicate what is really going on. 

Without the tools, words, or practice expressing emotions in positive ways, children can spiral into patterns of negativity.

When children feel controlled or afraid of the reactions of others, dysfunctional patterns of repressing emotion can develop. 

All kids, especially those who may shy away from asserting themselves, need to feel they have a voice - a say in what happens in their lives. 

 Punitive discipline often shuts down that voice in favor of obedience. 

We can't train children to feel or behave in certain ways by imposing consequences and hoping they internalize the desired behaviors.  

Effective discipline is about learning to manage our internal state so that we can confidently and positively release our stress, discomfort, or frustration. From that place of autonomy, we can consciously choose new thoughts and behaviors.

When we try to reason our way through emotional experiences with our children with language and logical consequences, we usually cause more harm than hope. Too much talking gets in the way because the language centers in the brain shut down under stress. Blood pressure rises, the heart pounds steadily, and our perspective is limited. 

When this happens, some children will fight you, and some will shut down, and/or run away.

This is why I am so passionate about giving you tools and communication tips which help you connect with your child. In this TEACHable Moments episode, I share 3 tips for helping the child who has trouble confronting conflict head-on!

So what's it like for you? Do you find words get in the way?
Have you left conflict to fester because you avoid confrontation?

Share your story of overcoming the fear of conflict in the comments below. I would love to hear about it.

And please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect! 

Talk soon,
Lori

Want more? Check out my free Conscious Communication Series - Top 4 Reasons Parents Can't Stop Nagging, Arguing, & Punishing(and how to set limits your kids will respect)! This 4-part series will introduce you to a new blueprint for setting limits and speaking from the heart.

 

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How To Deal With The "Mean Girls"

"Mean Girls" 2004 Image: Fanpop

Has your child run into social troubles (or mean girls) during the transition from early childhood to adolescence?

If I had to pick one movie to describe my teenage years, it would be a cross somewhere between Lucas (1986) and The Craft (1996). 

Always the new girl - likable, but awkward. 

Fitting-in can be a common challenge for girls (and boys). One that has been memorialized in movies such as Tina Fey's, Mean Girls.

This female social game starts around age nine and can heat up during high school.

More Than Just Aspergers - Part I

Do you have a child with special needs - gifted, sensory processing, autism or developmentally delayed, OCD, ODD, twice exceptional or maybe your child has ADHD, a history of trauma, sensory processing, or even a learning disability?

By some accounts, 1 in 5 children has some diagnosable mental disorder which can include, anxiety disorders, disruptive behavior disorders, eating disorders, mood
disorders like depression or even schizophrenia.

Those stats don't sound so surprising when you consider a 2005 study that predicted almost HALF of ALL Americans will have a diagnosable mental illness in their lifetimes. 
 
Undeniably, many of us are suffering from a lack of internal peace and kids with special needs, delays or even high intelligence often have more anxiety than the general population.

In my own experience, growing up with lots of challenges but no diagnosis (Aspergers) or support has led me (NOW in my late 30's) to come face-to-face with some of my most embarrassing, frustrating and misunderstood habits as I see them mirrored back to me through my daughter. 


But unlike parents in the 70's, I have a chance at implementing understanding, compassion and REAL TOOLS for change!

In this week's TEACHable Moment, I am bringing you a special interview treat.

If you have a child diagnosed as an Asper-Kid (Aspergers) or even if you don't - you don't want to miss my chat with Jennifer Cook O'Toole, author and Asper-Mom to three kids on the spectrum.



She is going to share her journey and top tips for creating more good habits and minimizing anxiety in our most sensitive kids.

PART II of my interview with Jennifer is coming NEXT WEEK ...stay tuned!


Warmly,

Do you have an extra-sensitive kid? 

What do you do to help him develop his problem-solving or coping skills? Share your story in the comments below!

Shame-Proof Your Relationship

Can you remember a time when someone said to you -- "I'm so disappointed in you" or "What were you thinking?"

How did you feel? Did those words produce the experience of feeling calm, reflective and resourceful? 

Did you pause to consider how your actions affected others or feel compelled to contribute to the change or did you just feel bad about yourself, and  maybe even a little bit embarrassed? 

Showing Appreciation

Have you ever felt judged by others because your child didn't say "thank you?" Did that feeling lead you to want to control or coerce your child?
 
How can we can teach our children to express their feelings of appreciation and gratitude without making them feel shame?

Breaking Tradition: When Others Disapprove of Your Parenting

Do you ever face criticism, judgment or downright disapproval of your parenting choices from family members or peers?


Do you ever feel the pressure to conform - or maybe even give in to punitive ways just to avoid an argument or the glaring eyes of others?

Strengthen Your Relationship to Change Behavior

Are you stuck in a negative cycle with your kid and no matter what kind of discipline you use - punitive or non-punitive - it seems nothing changes?

Sometimes in our rush to stamp out unacceptable behavior, we unknowingly stamp out our children's ability to see themselves as worthy of change.