Do you let your kids argue with you or with each other?
When I was growing up, my love of debate and my direct, logical manner was often misinterpreted as anger or rebellion. My intention to engage others in a thoughtful dialogue was misread as being stubborn and argumentative.
Does your teen have a habit of saying one thing, and then doing another?
Maybe it includes:
afew eye rolls
constant forgetting
refusing to do what's asked
I recall feeling a bit put-upon during my own teenage years.
If I was insubordinate with those in authority, it usually had something to do with me feeling taken advantage of, having no voice, or being unable to express the emotions that I was grappling with. A cycle of feeling unheard, misunderstood, and judged can increase misbehavior as kids use their non-verbal language to communicate what is really going on.
Without the tools, words, or practice expressing emotions in positive ways, children can spiral into patterns of negativity.
When children feel controlled or afraid of the reactions of others, dysfunctional patterns of repressing emotion can develop.
All kids, especially those who may shy away from asserting themselves, need to feel they have a voice - a say in what happens in their lives.
Punitive discipline often shuts down that voice in favor of obedience.
We can't train children to feel or behave in certain ways by imposing consequences and hoping they internalize the desired behaviors.
Effective discipline is about learning to manage our internal state so that we can confidently and positively release our stress, discomfort, or frustration. From that place of autonomy, we can consciously choose new thoughts and behaviors.
When we try to reason our way through emotional experiences with our children with language and logical consequences, we usually cause more harm than hope. Too much talking gets in the way because the language centers in the brain shut down under stress. Blood pressure rises, the heart pounds steadily, and our perspective is limited.
When this happens, some children will fight you, and some will shut down, and/or run away. This is why I am so passionate about giving you tools and communication tips which help you connect with your child. In this TEACHable Moments episode, I share 3 tips for helping the child who has trouble confronting conflict head-on!
So what's it like for you? Do you find words get in the way?
Have you left conflict to fester because you avoid confrontation? Share your story of overcoming the fear of conflict in the comments below. I would love to hear about it.
And please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect!
Do you let your kids argue with you or with each other?
