We are trading in our beach blankets and summer sun for school books and crisp fall days.
Heading back-to-school means homework, rules, transitions, social anxieties, new people and places, and everyone making decisions about how your kids will spend their time (except them).
How will your children handle the changes?
The weeks leading up to this annual return can reveal hidden despair, anxieties, doubt and worry that can negatively affect your child's resourcefulness and capacity to make a smooth transition.
Merry Christmas Eve! (if you celebrate) Today, I'll be celebrating a few cultural traditions - one of which will be the Feast of the Seven Fishes. This Italian festival of seafood delicious-ness has always been one of my favorite events.
Usually, I'm breaking with tradition, but this is the one time of the year that makes me nostalgic for the customs of my youth.
It's Thanksgiving Week in the US and even as the non-stop ads for Black Friday roll across my screen - reminding me that I should prepare to start shopping on Thanksgiving... I am reminding myself to return to gratitude to balance myself during this frenzied time of year.
Plus, I'm not a shopper. Shopping stresses me out. I find it tedious, and I'm anxious until the shopping mission is complete. Besides, I am certainly not leaving a holiday meal and a nice glass of Malbec for 50% of an HDTV. (Don't tell anyone but the [one] box TV I own and my laptop really do satisfy all my entertainment needs.) I'm not immune to nice things, though. I like to have good and give good and receive good justas much as the next person, but even more than giving or getting - it is the feeling of gratitude that fills me with a sense of joy and contentedness.
Do mornings at your house ever sound something like this?
Get dressed! You're going to be late. I need you to get your shoes on! Why haven't you brushed your teeth yet? Why are you messing around? You have to finish your breakfast. It's time to leave. Here, here are some socks. Put them on. Don't you know where your backpack is? I'll grab your lunch. Now you're going to be late.
Have you ever said the wrong thing? Put your foot in your mouth - unintentionally?
For me, having Aspergers means I feel safe with scripts. I like to know what I am going to say - ahead of time - to avoid any gaffes. Growing up, social blunders seemed to be my rule rather than my exception.
Do you have a child with special needs - gifted, sensory processing, autism or developmentally delayed, OCD, ODD, twice exceptional or maybe your child has ADHD, a history of trauma, sensory processing, or even a learning disability?
By some accounts, 1 in 5 children has some diagnosable mental disorder which can include, anxiety disorders, disruptive behavior disorders, eating disorders, mood
disorders like depression or even schizophrenia.
Those stats don't sound so surprising when you consider a 2005 study that predicted almost HALF of ALL Americans will have a diagnosable mental illness in their lifetimes.
Undeniably, many of us are suffering from a lack of internal peace and kids with special needs, delays or even high intelligence often have more anxiety than the general population.
In my own experience, growing up with lots of challenges but no diagnosis (Aspergers) or support has led me (NOW in my late 30's) to come face-to-face with some of my most embarrassing, frustrating and misunderstood habits as I see them mirrored back to me through my daughter.
But unlike parents in the 70's, I have a chance at implementing understanding, compassion and REAL TOOLS for change!
In this week's TEACHable Moment, I am bringing you a special interview treat.
If you have a child diagnosed as an Asper-Kid (Aspergers) or even if you don't - you don't want to miss my chat with Jennifer Cook O'Toole, author and Asper-Mom to three kids on the spectrum.
She is going to share her journey and top tips for creating more good habits and minimizing anxiety in our most sensitive kids.
PART II of my interview with Jennifer is coming NEXT WEEK ...stay tuned!
Warmly,
Do you have an extra-sensitive kid?
What do you do to help him develop his problem-solving or coping skills? Share your story in the comments below!
Have you ever felt stuck teetering between punitive and permissive and not sure how to get out of it? Does it seem like if you don't give consequences, then your child will never learn or will walk all over you?
Are you unsure of how to respond to negative behavior without blaming, shaming, or being judgmental?
I can tell you that just because I teach respectful communication does not mean that I don't struggle with parenting.
Have you ever gone through one of those phases where your child finds fault with everything you do - no matter what?
Or, does it ever seem like every time you say "Up" - your child says "Down?"
Unmet needs, feeling incapable and helpless, or damaged relationships can unconsciously sway our moods without our permission or awareness and leave us feeling vulnerable and anxious long after the situation has passed.
As our kids grow, there will be times when they are experimenting with boundaries, testing our love, and trying to adapt to a fickle set of expectations from the world around them.
Many parents come to me in desperation wondering what they are doing wrong and why their kids are still resisting their limits and throwing tantrums even after they provide empathy, and calm, logical explanations.
The real reason? We expect empathy (and rational thinking) to magically change behavior.
Empathy is what children need to experience if we want to grow and strengthen the connections in the brain which govern mature behaviors.
We have to allow them to unravel in our presence. Immaturity is a necessary stage of development. When we allow children to "meltdown" while we remain calm and emotionally available, we provide an essential outlet for their emotions.
This allows children to successfully recover from their feelings of frustration and helplessness and eventually learn to make new choices.
Behavioral change comes after emotions are felt, understood, and processed with the nonjudgmental support of someone who cares about us.
Be patient and supportive as your children learn to manage their feelings with the coping tools that you model and provide.
The hardest part is understanding that just because we set limits with kindness and compassion, it does not mean that children will immediately have the skills and cognitive capability to change their behavior.
Become aware of when you are allowing your discomfort to demand that your children obey or "get over" their feelings.
Make a new choice to model for them with compassion and curiosity about how to respond to life when it's not going their way.
They watch how you respond to:
small inconveniences
other people's anger
their emotional highs and lows
- and they learn to react based on what they see and how it makes them feel.
Is it safe to feel mad? Is it okay to cry when we're sad?
How you respond to behaviors such as yelling, stomping, screaming, begging, or hitting makes all the difference in whether your children learn to rely on you to be their reset button.
Don't be offended by behavior. It's not about you.
It's immaturity. And, it's normal. You can build skills without force and punishment.
It takes time for children to take full control of their emotional systems and consistently show positive behaviors.
Having someone set a boundary with understanding and compassion, and without trying to control the outcome, is what soothes the brain and drives maturity.
In this TEACHable Moments video, I share my top 10 tips for helping kids who don't like hearing "No!"
Look for food sensitivities which may be inhibiting positive behaviors.
Let go of judgment.
Re-frame your language.
Set clear, consistent limits.
Control the environment to help kids stay within the boundaries you have set.
Stay right-brained and connect emotionally.
Ask: what is this behavior communicating?
Get in some play-time to reconnect after a long day at school.
Wait until everyone is calm to teach lessons and problem-solve.
Know what sensory experiences help your child calm down.
What do you think?
How do you get your child to regulate and calm down after being upset? Share it in the comments below and help another community member who might be struggling.
Thanks so much for watching and reading!
Talk soon, Lori
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I remember a very stressful time when my daughter was young, and we were planning a cross-country move.
Not only was it stressful for her dad and me, but she was experiencing the same intense and uncomfortable emotions we were feeling, except she had fewer resources to manage her discomfort.
It was not a fun time.
I couldn't leave her alone with her friends because she was aggressive and reactive, and hurting other kids. Can you say not-a-proud-mama-moment!
I recently had to take the time to step back from work, the holiday scramble, and all those things that had me hurrying around leaving little time for quality interaction with those I love. Busy parents can be quick to dismiss behavior at face value, taking it personally or ignoring the force driving the behavior especially when they are feeling stressed or pulled in too many directions.
My parenting journey has often resembled the constant tuning of a radio station.
When the frequency is just right and coming in clearly, it’s a joy to sing along - out loud and free, but when the crackling static interrupts my favorite song, it can wear on my patience.
Ever have one of those days where everything in your world just seems off? No matter what you do, you can't get your kids to acquiesce to even the smallest of requests. You find yourself turning into a raging lunatic, and 8 o'clock can't get here soon enough.
Hopefully, you have been following my TEACHable Moments, and those days are becoming few and far between, but if and when you experience that kind of discordance, you don't have to battle your way to bedtime.
An attitude of gratitude sometimes starts with a little less bitchin'.
If kids model what they see and hear, then isn't sending them to school akin to submitting them to a virtual brainwashing academy by admission? I mean, monkey-see monkey-do does not just refer to the wonderfully funny and developmentally appropriate activities of our children.
It means bad manners, slang you’re too old to understand, and the motherload of all swear words.
