Whose power is ruling, though? It depends on the day.
You might hear a "No" - especially a repeated NO - and assume your child wants to cause trouble or get his way. You may regard this kind of behavior as a threat to your authority and sense willful disobedience.
With that perception, and after many failed "gentle" attempts at gaining compliance, you may decide that this conscious parenting plan has gone awry.
Physically and emotionally drained, it feels easier to proceed by sarcastically, impatiently, or acrimoniously rushing to judge and impose your will on anyone who dares to defy the rules.
As the mom of a sensitive soul who is willing to honestly express how my words and actions affect her, I am often reminded of how vital it is remain present and aware.
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You may question the idea of leaving behind "logical consequences." Or maybe you're thinking: "No, no, no! You don't understand - my kid just doesn't listen without consequences.
You may find yourself wishing and hoping for change which never seems to come unless you play the ultimate "do it or else" card.
Old habits are hard to break, especially when they offer immediate, even if short-term, relief.
However, adult-imposed consequences have nothing to do with long-term learning and sustained behavioral change. They are band-aids for convenience.
Consequences are inherently natural and will be experienced as long as we don't get in the way with all of our reasoning and "doing to" kids.
My daughter proudly displays bouts of defiance as the mark of her budding independence. She's also learning resilience and emotional flexibility.
Through my clear limits and tolerance, she's able to endure her anger or disappointment. If I could not stand her emotions, how could I expect her to accept them and move on?
She shifts to acceptance without anyone "giving in" to her demands and without threats or consequences - if I let her feel.
What often gets in the way of change is our impatience with development and our ambivalence. When we waffle between being punitive and permissive, kids feel unsure about where the boundaries are.
If you've found yourself trying anything and everything to make your child's behavior stop, the unfortunate consequence is you come to equate your influence with how you wield your power and position.
It's actually rooted in something entirely different.
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Thanks so much for reading. I'd love to hear from you. Do you feel like your power and consequences are related to your influence? How so? Leave a comment below and join in the conversation.
Talk soon,
Lori
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