After asking, "How do I stop the negative behavior?" most parents ask, "How do I stop reacting?"
Once you understand and expect that children will cry, whine, resist, and push and you realize it isn't your job to fix anything - the next logical question is "Well, then how do I stop getting so angry?"
It is the peeling of an onion.
I don't know that we can stop getting angry as much as we can shift to a state of responsibly managing our anger and initiating repair when our fury affects our children.
All children test boundaries, right?
However, holding those boundaries without getting angry and being able to set limits compassionately takes an incredible amount of self-awareness and emotional maturity.
Do you feel like you need to brush up on your self-regulation skills?
Children need us to be attentive and available to help them regain their emotional balance.
In the early years, a child's emotional balance can be thrown off needing to be reset as often as every FIVE minutes.
Intense? Draining?
Just a weeeee bit.
Do your kids talk back? Do you have a tween or teen who has become increasingly sassy or smart-mouthed?
Back Talk
Disrespect
Moodiness
How do we teach lessons without shame or blame and still allow our kids to embrace the intensity of their emotions?
It is a delicate balance of setting firm boundaries to establish a sense of safety and respect and accepting and allowing for the natural push-back against those boundaries.
Creating healthy habits around money is something I have as a top priority goal for myself and my child.
However, with my history, I was not aware of just how deeply hidden my beliefs around money were.
I recently joined Kate Northrup's #MoneyLoveChallenge because I wanted to step-up my self-awareness around my financial future.
I want to preface this by acknowledging that most teachers want the best for their students and do everything possible to make their classrooms safe and emotionally responsive environments. They are our heroes, leaders, and the ones who give us hope that one day, all children will receive the treatment they deserve. Sadly, this is not the case, especially in economically disadvantaged areas where resources are low and toxic stress is rampant.
Misbehavior in the classroom is a hot topic.
I remember when my daughter started first grade, I wondered how she would cope with this new punitive environment.
How would she handle the stoplight system or the unintentional judgment? Would it be stressful for her?
Parents want to know: How do I stop the tantrums and end the meltdowns?
If you've ever heard yourself saying things like:
Stop crying!
There is no reason to get upset.
It's not that big of a deal!
Oh, you're fine!
- then you've probably been overwhelmed by the intensity of your child's emotions.
As hard as they can be to tolerate, those meltdowns are a critical part of our survival, and they are building blocks to better behavior.
I love learning how our childhoods have shaped the way we view the world. Understanding my past has brought into clear view why I behave the way I do in certain situations and what I need to work on to be a compassionate leader for my child.
If you struggle to set boundaries with your kids or have trouble disciplining without getting angry or using force, you can start to turn things around by simply understanding your personal history and digging in to uncover any unresolved childhood wounds.
Kids get upset for all kinds of reasons, and rather than rationally and calmly discussing what's wrong or making new decisions, they often act out.
Sure, it's normal. Children are immature and unable to shift gears with the flexibility and emotional grace of adults, but that doesn't make it any easier to handle.
It can be exhausting and frustrating, leading us to angry outbursts and resistance from our kids. If you feel like you're in a downward spiral of negativity, connection is the key to better behavior.
Each morning, I wake up with the intention to start my day with some kind of mindfulness practice. Whether it is meditation or some gentle stretches, I have learned the importance of not denying myself this time to quiet my mind and body.
Without fail, if I ignore my self-care, my conscious responses are diminished, and my reactionary behavior gets kicked into high-gear.
But what makes or breaks a day? What motivates us to begin the day with self-care?
What was your childhood like?
Do you remember feeling loved and happy?
Or was it a time filled with fear and loneliness?
Maybe it was a combination of both. What I struggled with most growing up was not knowing how to deal with feelings of unworthiness and being ostracized. I did not trust anyone enough to share those feelings.
The most devastating experience for me as a child was being rejected - whether by peers or parents.
How do we ensure that our children have the skills to master their emotions and take charge of their lives?
Do you feel like you are always begging, pleading, or insisting that your kids do things?
Has your day-to-day routine lost all sense of play and the lightheartedness that should accompany family life?
When my daughter is resisting everything I say or when it feels difficult to relate to her, I know it is imperative for me to take a look at how often I choose to demonstrate a loving, fun, and calm presence in her life.
How do I act most often when I'm feeling frustrated or facing an obstacle?
I'm her model.
If I lose it during those times, how can I expect her to be cooperative and feel connected when she's stressed?
My child - like most children - resists any attempt I may make to control her. She will shut down at the first sign of a threatening tone or demanding voice.
Have you used your tone of voice to try and change your child's behavior or to try and control what's happening?
It can even happen without our awareness.
Kids are listening to everything we say - even when we think they're not - and they're making memories out of the meaning they take away from their experiences.
What are we teaching them about the world and life, and more importantly, what messages are they receiving?
Too often, our habits of reacting tell another story. Our intentions are not always clear and what our kids take away from situations is often misinterpreted.
Do your kids nag, complain, or whine about rules and limits?
Do they attempt to negotiate or beg for more TV, candy, toys, or playtime despite repeated warnings that the issue is not up for discussion?
Do you interpret these behaviors to mean that your kids aren't "listening" to you?
Does that make you feel like you have to set firmer limits, but you don't know how?
I've got a solution for you.
