How Do I Stop Reacting? (Handling Your Anger in Front of Your Kids)

After asking, "How do I stop the negative behavior?" most parents ask, "How do I stop reacting?"

Once you understand and expect that children will cry, whine, resist, and push and you realize it isn't your job to fix anything - the next logical question is "Well, then how do I stop getting so angry?"

It is the peeling of an onion. 

I don't know that we can stop getting angry as much as we can shift to a state of responsibly managing our anger and initiating repair when our fury affects our children.

Why Kids Talk Back and What To Do About It

Do your kids talk back? Do you have a tween or teen who has become increasingly sassy or smart-mouthed?

Back Talk
Disrespect
Moodiness

How do we teach lessons without shame or blame and still allow our kids to embrace the intensity of their emotions? 

It is a delicate balance of setting firm boundaries to establish a sense of safety and respect and accepting and allowing for the natural push-back against those boundaries.

Managing Conflict in Five Steps with Conscious Communication

I want to share with you a step-by-step path to peace. 

Your language, attitude, and tone ALL affect your child's ability to meet your expectations. Learning to change the way you speak can take time and practice.

Sometimes, you won't know WHAT to say. 

Being silent is okay. Being respectful is more important than saying the "right" thing. 

How to Avoid the Most Common Parenting Mistakes (& What to Do Instead)

My child - like most children - resists any attempt I may make to control her. She will shut down at the first sign of a threatening tone or demanding voice.

Have you used your tone of voice to try and change your child's behavior or to try and control what's happening?  

It can even happen without our awareness.

Why Kids Tattle and What To Do About It

She took my headband!
He touched my Legos!
She's using my iPod!
He won't stop bothering us!
She won't stop hitting us!
They spit on us! Eww!

Those are just a few of the "tattletales" I've heard from my daughter over the years. 

Common responses may sound like - 

Give it back!
Put down those Legos!
Leave it alone!
Stop harassing your sister!
That's not nice! 

But, what do kids learn when we respond with directives, demands, and judgment? 

Six Ways to Master Communicating With Kids

Sometimes, we provide a lot of commentary around our children’s actions.

We interject where we don’t need to, providing solutions when we should just be there as a spotter is for a gymnast - guiding children as they learn a skill or helping them to manage themselves safely. 

How can you allow your children as much freedom as possible while still maintaining a reasonable set of boundaries and supportive limits?

Raise Your Words, Not Your Voice: Conscious Communication Strategies

 
Many deep emotions have been swirling in my head and heart lately. The pain, loss, judgment, hate, and violence that the world is experiencing is never far from my mind.

Racial Tension
Depression
War
Suicide
Terrorism 

There seems to be a neverending stream of anger, sadness, and combative opinions that incite our collective fury. 

It's painful but also essential to feel - to not allow ourselves to become desensitized to human suffering.

But, how much is too much?

There are strategies can we use to turn our defensive reactions into compassionate responses, so we don't lose our humanity in the chaos.

4 Easy Ways to Communicate With Kids Without Even Thinking About It

Kids don't always think before they express because they're immature and often driven by emotions which are fueled by their needs. 

Embracing our emotions to bring us to a new understanding of ourselves is the first step on the path to maturity.

As adults, have we fallen too far to the side of thinking logically about things? Have we forgotten about our internal guide >> our feelings?

5 Essential Rules for Communicating With Young Children

Do you have a hard time not taking your child's behavior personally?

Do you get upset when your kids refuse, protest or tantrum about the limits you set?

Do your kids become inconsolable when they don't get what they want?

The first five years are a remarkable time in a child's life. 

They're also quite challenging for parents as children grow from helpless infants who are entirely reliant on their caregivers to thoughtful, autonomous, and independent young people.

Communicating with small children can be exhausting, so I want to share a little secret with you... 

What Kids Really Need to Thrive (How to Create More Cooperation & Connection)

Do you ever feel like you give, and give, and give only to feel taken advantage of by your kids?

If you unconsciously give your kids too much of what you think they need (things + correction + direction) and not enough of what they actually need to thrive, you may notice a lack of cooperation or connection, leading you to feel resentful or unappreciated.

But, what do kids really need? I'm sharing my dirty little mom secret -

What to Do When Your Toddler "Won't Take No for an Answer!"

Toddlers Perspectives:

"No" is the best word ever.
I want what I want, and I want it now.
Screaming "No" feels good. 
You can't tell me what to do.
I'll say "No" for as long as I want.

I want to share a story to remind you it is possible to set limits with toddlers compassionately.

It's not an easy task.

You're worn out, tired, and have other children to attend to, but you can guide your little ones back to positive behaviors (instead of demanding) if you step outside your agenda just long enough to find the compassion to consider their experience.

How to Respond When Your Kids Are Whining

I doooooooon't waaaaaant toooooo.
I waaaant another cookieeeeeee.
Whyyyyyy can't I? Pleeeeeaase?

Whining. 

It's one of those parental triggers which can seem impossibly difficult to deal with because of how quickly it activates our stress response. 

Whining can get your adrenaline pumping, and suddenly your innate ability to cope dwindles with every shrieky demand and objection to your limits and attempts to empathize.
 
Add a bit of logic, debate, legitimizing, or trying to rationalize away the hysterics, and you'll drive yourself directly to the Summer Whine Fest. So what do you do?

5 Things You Should Never Say to a Child With Aspergers

This topic is one that is close to my heart. If you are new to my work, you may not know that when I was 38, I discovered that my quirks, gifts, and more than a few of my struggles were the result of growing up with Aspergers.

I know that you want to help your kids make better decisions. My parents did too, but something was missing.

Lost in translation, you could say.

Sibling Rivalry? Strategies for Helping Your Kids Get Along

Do your kids get along? 

Some sibling fighting is normal and even healthy. Kids have different personalities, tastes, perceptions, likes, and dislikes and individuality must be allowed if we want authentic connections to form. 

However, we tend to base our value or competence as a parent on how well our kids get along or how much conflict we experience in the family. 

When our kids fight - we feel stressed and blame ourselves.

How to Communicate With Angry or Aggressive Kids

How do you know when your child's emotional needs are languishing?

My daughter can be quick to anger, and her level of reactivity is often my first clue to her current emotional state. Angry kids have unmet needs - and whether those needs are due to a loss of connection, a lack of skill, or a stressed state, they need more from us than just criticism and control.

Can You Stay Calm When Your Child Isn't?

Are you comfortable sitting with discomfort? 

People talk about "holding space" for our kids which really means - can we stay present and emotionally available for them when they have big emotions?

We want to be able to manage our emotions without reacting to what we see.

When I was growing up, my family often expressed anger as a typical response to the smallest of problems, and without a better model, a pattern of reactivity became deeply embedded in my nervous system.

How Do I Get My Kids to Listen?

"I just want my kids to listen!"

Resonate with that? Wanting your kids to listen often comes from the need to feel heard, respected or considered.

I'm sure you've found (or soon will) that obedience and insisting kids "just listen" leads you to focus on getting what you want at the expense of the teachable moment.
 
 Eventually, your "discipline" stops working. 

Why Supernanny is DEAD WRONG!

 

(Read Part 2 of this post here)   

I've really had it with Supernanny.

That's how *this parent* feels. You know when you've really had it with your kids. That's how I feel about this woman who has made a brand out of bad advice that just got disturbingly worse. 

Supernanny was on Good Morning America recently in a segment called, "Taming Toddler Tantrums." With the wealth of information and speakers available to speak on child-rearing and current best practices, I expected more from GMA.

Click here to TWEET GMA and tell them we need to TEACH through Love!

Want to Change Your Child's Behavior? Share Your Needs.

Sometimes, out of fear and frustration, we end up sending unintentional messages to our kids.

We end up telling them what we think of them instead of sharing how we feel about what's happened and what we would like to happen next. Sharing your needs and preferences builds trust and increases cooperation.

No More Behavior Problems

I often share tips about how to re-frame the way you talk to your kids but what about the way you talk about your kids and the challenges you are having?

Do you post questions in your favorite forums or conscious parenting pages?

How do you describe the conflicts you experience?

He's so needy.
She won't listen.
She's so sensitive.
He's driving me nuts.
She is such a handful.
He'll defy you out of spite.
She is so disrespectful to me.
He tantrums if he doesn't get his way.

These statements lead us down a dead-end road.