Kids are listening to everything we say - even when we think they're not - and they're making memories out of the meaning they take away from their experiences.
What are we teaching them about the world and life, and more importantly, what messages are they receiving?
Too often, our habits of reacting tell another story. Our intentions are not always clear and what our kids take away from situations is often misinterpreted.
Do your kids nag, complain, or whine about rules and limits?
Do they attempt to negotiate or beg for more TV, candy, toys, or playtime despite repeated warnings that the issue is not up for discussion?
Do you interpret these behaviors to mean that your kids aren't "listening" to you?
Does that make you feel like you have to set firmer limits, but you don't know how?
I've got a solution for you.
She took my headband!
He touched my Legos!
She's using my iPod!
He won't stop bothering us!
She won't stop hitting us!
They spit on us! Eww!
Those are just a few of the "tattletales" I've heard from my daughter over the years.
Common responses may sound like -
Give it back!
Put down those Legos!
Leave it alone!
Stop harassing your sister!
That's not nice!
But, what do kids learn when we respond with directives, demands, and judgment?
There I was, feeling bewildered, and standing outside the door my eight-year-old had just slammed shut after demanding her privacy.
What just happened?
We were enjoying lunch, I mentioned her dance class starting - and BAM! She turned on a dime. She crossed her arms, glared at me with a squinty gaze, and refused to engage.
Where did I go wrong? Why was she being so disrespectful?
Your children's behaviors may confuse and confound you, too. When there seems to be no rhyme or reason for their actions - when you're faced with defiance - there is one thing you can do to reconnect and teach respect.
Sometimes, we provide a lot of commentary around our children’s actions.
We interject where we don’t need to, providing solutions when we should just be there as a spotter is for a gymnast - guiding children as they learn a skill or helping them to manage themselves safely.
How can you allow your children as much freedom as possible while still maintaining a reasonable set of boundaries and supportive limits?
Many deep emotions have been swirling in my head and heart lately. The pain, loss, judgment, hate, and violence that the world is experiencing is never far from my mind.
Racial Tension
Depression
War
Suicide
Terrorism
There seems to be a neverending stream of anger, sadness, and combative opinions that incite our collective fury.
It's painful but also essential to feel - to not allow ourselves to become desensitized to human suffering.
But, how much is too much?
There are strategies can we use to turn our defensive reactions into compassionate responses, so we don't lose our humanity in the chaos.
It shouldn't hurt to ask for what we want, but what about when it does?
When kids don't immediately accept limits, it can feel frustrating. However, when we blame our emotional state on our children, they learn it isn't safe to speak up or express how they feel.
Your frustration is valid. Don't deny it - but don't displace it, either.
Own it.
Kids don't always think before they express because they're immature and often driven by emotions which are fueled by their needs.
Embracing our emotions to bring us to a new understanding of ourselves is the first step on the path to maturity.
As adults, have we fallen too far to the side of thinking logically about things? Have we forgotten about our internal guide >> our feelings?
