The Surprising Benefits of Tantrums (Building Emotional Intelligence)

Parents want to know: How do I stop the tantrums and end the meltdowns? 

If you've ever heard yourself saying things like:

Stop crying!
There is no reason to get upset.
It's not that big of a deal!
Oh, you're fine!
 
- then you've probably been overwhelmed by the intensity of your child's emotions.

As hard as they can be to tolerate, those meltdowns are a critical part of our survival, and they are building blocks to better behavior.

4 Tips for Helping Toddlers Who Scream

Toddler conflicts and frustration can cause you to experience a pressure-cooker-like-environment at times and believe me, your kids feel it too!

Toddlers who scream are not a new phenomenon - as anyone who has one knows. But, how often - and how loud - they scream can be impacted by a variety of factors. 

For one, the emotional energy of your home has a tremendous effect on the way your child's brain deals with incoming stimuli.

Rushing around, constant chatter, noisy racket, hollering, fast-talking...

What's it like in your home?

5 Essential Rules for Communicating With Young Children

Do you have a hard time not taking your child's behavior personally?

Do you get upset when your kids refuse, protest or tantrum about the limits you set?

Do your kids become inconsolable when they don't get what they want?

The first five years are a remarkable time in a child's life. 

They're also quite challenging for parents as children grow from helpless infants who are entirely reliant on their caregivers to thoughtful, autonomous, and independent young people.

Communicating with small children can be exhausting, so I want to share a little secret with you... 

What to Do When Your Toddler "Won't Take No for an Answer!"

Toddlers Perspectives:

"No" is the best word ever.
I want what I want, and I want it now.
Screaming "No" feels good. 
You can't tell me what to do.
I'll say "No" for as long as I want.

I want to share a story to remind you it is possible to set limits with toddlers compassionately.

It's not an easy task.

You're worn out, tired, and have other children to attend to, but you can guide your little ones back to positive behaviors (instead of demanding) if you step outside your agenda just long enough to find the compassion to consider their experience.

When Your Toddler Wants to Give Back the New Baby

So tell me, has this ever happened to you?

You bring home the new baby and your older child reacts by demanding that you immediately return the tiny, wailing human to the hospital (or trade "it" in for a puppy), and no amount of consoling, controlling, punishing or gentle reminding can contain his mounting frustration and loose limbs?

How To Teach Kids To Stop Throwing Food

Does your child have trouble at the dinner table? Does your toddler throw food?

My child happens to learn best through touch. She can make a BIG mess, and she happens to enjoy the sensations which come along with it (if she even notices).

Some kids hate the sensation of sticky, wet fingers. My kid LOVES it, and for her, playing with food was a pleasurable sensory experience.

Standing at the dinner table (rather than sitting) was something she was allowed to do until she was school-aged.
 
I could have judged her in any number of ways:

What To Do When Your Child Won't Stop Hitting the Cat (or other family pet)!

Pleeeeeease STOP hurting the cat!
Don't squeeze the dog!

Yes! I've been there - the HITTING stage.

Her friends, me, the dog - my daughter has hit, squeezed, and scratched them all.  

I put on my detective goggles more than a few times when she was young to determine the cause and the best solution for this - developmentally typical - but uncivilized behavior.

How Do I Get My Toddler To Stop Hitting?

Toddler problems?

I remember a very stressful time when my daughter was young, and we were planning a cross-country move. 

Not only was it stressful for her dad and me, but she was experiencing the same intense and uncomfortable emotions we were feeling, except she had fewer resources to manage her discomfort.

It was not a fun time. 

I couldn't leave her alone with her friends because she was aggressive and reactive, and hurting other kids. 

Can you say not-a-proud-mama-moment!

How I Got My Daughter To Leave the Playdate Smiling!

Children learn more from what we do, and how we make them feel than what we say. Having a high tolerance for age-typical behaviors is necessary for teaching self-regulation and creating respectful relationships. 

Unmanaged emotion sends children the message that we are not in control, and that they are the cause of our annoyance and not worthy of our respect. Those internalized feelings of guilt and shame become deeply embedded in their self-concept and profoundly affect their behavior. 

We can choose to be influential, modeling emotional resilience and showing children how to respond to anger, criticism, and failure with courage and determination.

Young children, especially, are vulnerable to our harsh reactions. Their immaturity can trigger us into forcing control, wanting compliance, or using consequences.

 

Feeling supported makes the difference between whether children learn to cope with challenge and disappointment skillfully or whether they adapt in unhealthy ways, acting out or stuffing their feelings only to explode later. 


What do you think? Have you tried addressing what's going on underneath the behavior? Do you notice a difference in their behavior when they do?

I'd love to hear about your experience. Share your thoughts in the comments. 

Thank you for reading and watching. Until next time, please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect!

Talk soon,
Lori

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TEACH through Love

This is what I will attempt to do as I make my way through tantrums, potty training and the general ohhs and ahhs of parenting. 

Okay, so maybe sometimes they are more like ARRGHs and NOOOOOs! But hey, nobody's perfect!

I have to mention that I do happen to have an extremely intelligent, affectionate, playful and generally happy child.

Is that sheer luck? Maybe.