Have Kids Who Fight? Here's How to Keep the Peace

Picture this...

The fire is crackling, the rain is steadily tapping at the windows, and I'm folding left-over tissue paper cleaning up the remains of another holiday-palooza.

The children are joyfully singing and tattooing each other with facepaint and glitter.
 

There is no stress, no battling, no blaming or feeling like the kids run the house. Even the dog is quiet.
 

Isn't this what we all want? 

The simplicity of peace and enjoying the time together. I was full and content. My whole face was lit up, and I could feel my heart swell with gratitude.
 

Why can't it always be like this?

How Not to Raise an Asshole (and other parenting thoughts)

 
Over the years, I have tolerated a lot of snide comments about how I am ruining my child (and the world) by choosing to forgo punishments and rewards in favor of something less controlling.

I have also seen and heard a lot of banter on the internet begging instructing parents on "how not to raise an asshole."

It appears there's a lot of sanctimonious judgment of children (and parents) floating around in cyberspace these days. 

So, I thought I'd jot down a couple of quick tips that I've come to rely on in my own parenting journey.  

What To Do About "Misbehavior" at School

I want to preface this by acknowledging that most teachers want the best for their students and do everything possible to make their classrooms safe and emotionally responsive environments. They are our heroes, leaders, and the ones who give us hope that one day, all children will receive the treatment they deserve. Sadly, this is not the case, especially in economically disadvantaged areas where resources are low and toxic stress is rampant.

Misbehavior in the classroom is a hot topic. 

I remember when my daughter started first grade, I wondered how she would cope with this new punitive environment.   

How would she handle the stoplight system or the unintentional judgment? Would it be stressful for her?

Can You Stay Calm When Your Child Isn't?

Are you comfortable sitting with discomfort? 

People talk about "holding space" for our kids which really means - can we stay present and emotionally available for them when they have big emotions?

We want to be able to manage our emotions without reacting to what we see.

When I was growing up, my family often expressed anger as a typical response to the smallest of problems, and without a better model, a pattern of reactivity became deeply embedded in my nervous system.

Want to Change Your Child's Behavior? Share Your Needs.

Sometimes, out of fear and frustration, we end up sending unintentional messages to our kids.

We end up telling them what we think of them instead of sharing how we feel about what's happened and what we would like to happen next. Sharing your needs and preferences builds trust and increases cooperation.

Getting to the Bottom of Behavior

She did it on purpose.

I don't know what she needs.
He's not dysregulated. He was perfectly calm.
She chose to disobey because she didn't like my limit.
He knows the consequences and he defied the rules anyway.
She looked at me, said she understood, and then did it again.
 

Why won't this behavior go away? Does that resonate with you? 

If so, you are not alone. Many parents get tripped up with behavior challenges by trying to change, well... behavior.  

Sound crazy?

What to Do When You Are No Longer Using Punishment

Have you ever felt at a loss for what to do to make sure your kids learn lessons?

Have you traded in punishment for something more emotionally responsive, but aren't sure your kids are really learning what's important?

Are you wondering exactly what you are supposed to do about misbehavior?

What Rules Your Behavior (& How to Take Back Your Power)

Are you in the driver's seat of your emotions? Who is in your head directing your behaviors and reactions?
 
Most of us operate on auto-pilot, unaware of how our history is influencing the script.

5 Secrets to Building More Influence With Kids

Most of the time our efforts to combat negative behavior get caught up in COMBAT. Tears and exhaustion reign and power rules.

Whose power is ruling, though? It depends on the day.

You might hear a "No" - especially a repeated NO - and assume your child wants to cause trouble or get his way. You may regard this kind of behavior as a threat to your authority and sense willful disobedience. 

Why Empathy Doesn't Work - 5 Strategies to Help Kids Express Themselves

When you make the switch to being more conscious and aware of your words and actions - using empathy becomes your "first aid" for negativity. 

Empathy allows us to move through our emotions so we can regain control of our thoughts and behaviors, but for children, self-regulation is a skill which takes time to develop.

You may want (or expect) immediate change. When you are new to parenting with empathy instead of control (and even if you aren't), you may find yourself thinking, "I'm using empathy but my child still won't listen."

Making Sense of Behavior Through Connection

Have you ever felt the kind of stress where your mind shuts down and you lose all words?

Or have you ever felt so agitated that you became irrationally hostile or argumentative?


Have you ever been so discouraged that you just wanted everyone to leave you alone?

If you're breathing, then the answer is likely yes. So why do we give kids such a hard time when it happens to them? 

It took me a long time to learn to work my way through my emotions. Not around or away from - but through.  

5 Tips For Dealing With Your Child's Stress

"But Lori, she looked me right in the eye and did it ANYWAY!"

I can't tell you how many times I've heard this from parents trying to understand their child's behavior. 

Have you ever felt like your child deliberately chose to misbehave or disobey you for NO reason? It can be maddening to experience behavior that seems deliberate or comes out of nowhere. 

One minute, you're having a great day and the next, your child is a blubbering mess on the floor or raging uncontrollably... and you're wondering what just happened.

Sometimes, kid-stress does not appear to have any obvious, outward signs.

5 Ways You Can Let Natural Consequences Teach

Do mornings at your house ever sound something like this?

Get dressed!
You're going to be late.
I need you to get your shoes on!
Why haven't you brushed your teeth yet?
Why are you messing around?
You have to finish your breakfast.
It's time to leave.
Here, here are some socks.
Put them on.
Don't you know where your backpack is?
I'll grab your lunch.
Now you're going to be late.

5 Ways to Increase Cooperation When Kids Won't Do Their Chores

How do you feel about chores?

Cooking dinner.
Doing the laundry.
Cleaning the house.

I am not ashamed to admit that I hate the repetition of routine chores and household tasks. 

Despite my contempt, the reality is that things must get done. But how? 

How to Connect With Your Child by Connecting With Yourself

 "Take care of you."  - "Kit DeLuca," Pretty Woman

Those four words - take care of you - echoed from my VCR every Saturday morning during my sophomore year at college. Pretty Woman was our weekend recovery ritual, but back then I had no idea how important those words really were.

At the time, self-care meant McDonald's milkshakes and chick-flick weekend marathons on the couch with my roomies.

I don't think I appreciated how crucial self-care was to my overall physical and emotional health until just a few years ago when I had no choice but to look at the big picture.

Not just look to see - was I maintaining?

But - was I thriving?

It is impossible to nurture respect and empathy in your child if you are running on nothing but cortisol and adrenaline.

This, I know.

How can you stay calm and compassionate and create an emotional climate that supports your child's growth when you're not skilled at caring for your own needs? 

You can't access compassion for your kid until you regularly practice it with yourself.

In this TEACHable Moments video, I'm sharing five simple steps to help you access some much-needed empathy for yourself which will allow you to connect with your child from a place of unconditional love and respect. 


"Empathy is the most radical of human emotions" @GloriaSteinem. (TWEET IT!) 

It takes courage and vulnerability to reach out to your children in those moments where their behavior seems out-of-control, uncalled for or downright rude.

When you notice yourself reacting, step back and observe the situation from a new point of view. 
Instead of exploding in anger or letting resentment build, choose to disconnect from your emotional storm by practicing these 5 steps to accessing compassion for yourself:
1. Reflect - what happened?
2. Reveal - how did it make me feel?
3. Allow - where did I feel it in my body?
4. Identify - what am I needing?
5. Create - what can I do in this moment to create a new vision?    How will you manage to find a bit of compassion for yourself when things get heated? Are you able to keep your cool and really LOVE yourself? 
Let me know by leaving a comment down below and adding your thoughts to the discussion! 

Thank you for reading and please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect!

Talk soon,
Lori 

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How to Talk to Your Kids About Lying

Nope, wasn't me - no way, no how!

Lying. That uncomfortable and trigger-producing behavior which freaks you out is actually a natural step in your child's development track.

When it comes to our children lying, I think we should be aware of it - but not in fear of it.

Brave the Back-to-School Blues

 
Is it back-to-school time for you and your kids? How is everyone feeling about the end of summer changes?

4 Tips for Handling Your Child's Public Meltdowns

Have you ever felt like this after a day with your child?

Maybe after the tenth public meltdown, and a day of dodging judgmental bullets from retailers who are hoping you'll avoid their stores?

You been there? Yeah, me too.

More Than Just Aspergers - Part II

Does your child have communication difficulties or have trouble meeting the expectations of others? 
-  or -  
Does your child have trouble relating to peers or ever been called rude, lacking empathy or too sensitive? 

Growing up as an Aspie usually means
that you've heard all of the above.

I stumbled upon this thought-provoking video from a TED conference where Sir Ken Robinson addresses the lack of arts and dance in our educational systems around the world. He surmises that schools are actually killing creativity and crushing the natural talents that all children are born with.

I agree that there is a clear hierarchy among school subjects, with math and science leading the charge, followed by language arts and the social sciences. Alas, somewhere at the bottom, if there is enough money or interest, there may be a music or arts program, but rarely, if ever, will you see education being taught through dance.

Why is that?

Why do schools not support the full use of our bodily talents? Why do we insist on educating our children from the neck up? Parents are battling to secure admission to top-notch preschools because, apparently, this is now crucial to securing our child's future (or at least a spot on an Ivy League admissions list).

But still, the traditional rote pedagogy served up in most schools is no substitute for a real education, and Sir Ken explains why. Hats off to TED and Ken for tackling the inadequate reality of modern education and doing it with a dollop of humor! 

Talk soon,
Lori


What are your school experiences or ideas for restoring a paradigm that supports educating the whole child? 

Post your comments below and let me know!