What Kids Really Need to Thrive (How to Create More Cooperation & Connection)

Do you ever feel like you give, and give, and give only to feel taken advantage of by your kids?

If you unconsciously give your kids too much of what you think they need (things + correction + direction) and not enough of what they actually need to thrive, you may notice a lack of cooperation or connection, leading you to feel resentful or unappreciated.

But, what do kids really need? I'm sharing my dirty little mom secret -

Breaking Bad Habits (Getting Back to Basics Part II)

I want to talk about habits in Part II of our Getting Back to Basics series (see Part I here).

In my Conscious Communication Series, we do a lot of language transformation, shifting what we would typically say into something nonjudgmental, compassionate, and proactive.

We start by identifying our habits of reacting. I'm sure you could easily list your child's bad habits, but how about yours?

Discipline Burnout (Getting Back to Basics)

Do you ever feel burned out? 
 
Is the stress palpable, and you sense you don't have another ounce of energy to do what needs to be done, so you -

avoid

procrastinate

forget

You know that time of year when everyone is aching for a summer break...

What's Wrong With Punitive Consequences?

In the past, I've shared my opinion about Supernanny. Writing posts like that one both terrifies me and thrills me. 

I don't like pissing people off, but I do love a good paradigm shift because my real passion is changing perspectives - not telling people how to parent.

What to Do When You Are No Longer Using Punishment

Have you ever felt at a loss for what to do to make sure your kids learn lessons?

Have you traded in punishment for something more emotionally responsive, but aren't sure your kids are really learning what's important?

Are you wondering exactly what you are supposed to do about misbehavior?

Setting Limits On Screen Time

Have you ever had a video game addiction or a TV obsession?

In my early twenties, I was living in Hollywood and my new found friends recruited me to Buffy Nite.   

And for the next 5 years, every Tuesday, you could find me engrossed in the weekly sagas of this Joss Wheedon cult-TV-favorite.

Repair and Apologies With Kids Do Not Have To Be Forced

Sometimes, repair takes its own creative path.  

I have refrained (as much as possible) from forcing my child to say "I'm sorry" because I wanted her to rely on her own conscience as she learns how her actions affect others. 

I didn't want my opinions or judgments to impose on her sense of self.  

Repair is the process of reconnecting after hurt feelings, angry words, or unacceptable behaviors.  

5 Ways You Can Let Natural Consequences Teach

Do mornings at your house ever sound something like this?

Get dressed!
You're going to be late.
I need you to get your shoes on!
Why haven't you brushed your teeth yet?
Why are you messing around?
You have to finish your breakfast.
It's time to leave.
Here, here are some socks.
Put them on.
Don't you know where your backpack is?
I'll grab your lunch.
Now you're going to be late.

My Teenager is Driving Me Crazy

Does your teen have a habit of saying one thing, and then doing another?

Maybe it includes:

• a few eye rolls
• constant forgetting
• refusing to do what's asked

I recall feeling a bit put-upon during my own teenage years.

If I was insubordinate with those in authority, it usually had something to do with me feeling taken advantage of, having no voice, or being unable to express the emotions that I was grappling with. A cycle of feeling unheard, misunderstood, and judged can increase misbehavior as kids use their non-verbal language to communicate what is really going on. 

Without the tools, words, or practice expressing emotions in positive ways, children can spiral into patterns of negativity.

When children feel controlled or afraid of the reactions of others, dysfunctional patterns of repressing emotion can develop. 

All kids, especially those who may shy away from asserting themselves, need to feel they have a voice - a say in what happens in their lives. 

 Punitive discipline often shuts down that voice in favor of obedience. 

We can't train children to feel or behave in certain ways by imposing consequences and hoping they internalize the desired behaviors.  

Effective discipline is about learning to manage our internal state so that we can confidently and positively release our stress, discomfort, or frustration. From that place of autonomy, we can consciously choose new thoughts and behaviors.

When we try to reason our way through emotional experiences with our children with language and logical consequences, we usually cause more harm than hope. Too much talking gets in the way because the language centers in the brain shut down under stress. Blood pressure rises, the heart pounds steadily, and our perspective is limited. 

When this happens, some children will fight you, and some will shut down, and/or run away.

This is why I am so passionate about giving you tools and communication tips which help you connect with your child. In this TEACHable Moments episode, I share 3 tips for helping the child who has trouble confronting conflict head-on!

So what's it like for you? Do you find words get in the way?
Have you left conflict to fester because you avoid confrontation?

Share your story of overcoming the fear of conflict in the comments below. I would love to hear about it.

And please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect! 

Talk soon,
Lori

Want more? Check out my free Conscious Communication Series - Top 4 Reasons Parents Can't Stop Nagging, Arguing, & Punishing(and how to set limits your kids will respect)! This 4-part series will introduce you to a new blueprint for setting limits and speaking from the heart.

 

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What To Do When Kids Are Rude

Have you ever said the wrong thing? Put your foot in your mouth - unintentionally? 

For me, having Aspergers means I feel safe with scripts. I like to know what I am going to say - ahead of time - to avoid any gaffes.  Growing up, social blunders seemed to be my rule rather than my exception.

Brave the Back-to-School Blues

 
Is it back-to-school time for you and your kids? How is everyone feeling about the end of summer changes?

Why Do Kids Blame Others?

She made me do it.

He's bothering me!

Mooom! She did it AGAIN!

Sound familiar? Maybe a little too familiar?
 
If your children are comfortable playing the blame game, then it might feel like you're always micro-managing conflicts but your kids are never able to reach solutions on their own.

If your kids blame you or blame each other, then this episode of TEACHable Moments is for you!

How to Reduce Stress By Grounding Yourself

When empathy is missing from our primary relationships, we wire up patterns of fear, inadequacy and self-protection. Conflict becomes ruled by our primitive brain because “to control others”  feels safer than “to be vulnerable.” 

More Than Just Aspergers - Part I

Do you have a child with special needs - gifted, sensory processing, autism or developmentally delayed, OCD, ODD, twice exceptional or maybe your child has ADHD, a history of trauma, sensory processing, or even a learning disability?

By some accounts, 1 in 5 children has some diagnosable mental disorder which can include, anxiety disorders, disruptive behavior disorders, eating disorders, mood
disorders like depression or even schizophrenia.

Those stats don't sound so surprising when you consider a 2005 study that predicted almost HALF of ALL Americans will have a diagnosable mental illness in their lifetimes. 
 
Undeniably, many of us are suffering from a lack of internal peace and kids with special needs, delays or even high intelligence often have more anxiety than the general population.

In my own experience, growing up with lots of challenges but no diagnosis (Aspergers) or support has led me (NOW in my late 30's) to come face-to-face with some of my most embarrassing, frustrating and misunderstood habits as I see them mirrored back to me through my daughter. 


But unlike parents in the 70's, I have a chance at implementing understanding, compassion and REAL TOOLS for change!

In this week's TEACHable Moment, I am bringing you a special interview treat.

If you have a child diagnosed as an Asper-Kid (Aspergers) or even if you don't - you don't want to miss my chat with Jennifer Cook O'Toole, author and Asper-Mom to three kids on the spectrum.



She is going to share her journey and top tips for creating more good habits and minimizing anxiety in our most sensitive kids.

PART II of my interview with Jennifer is coming NEXT WEEK ...stay tuned!


Warmly,

Do you have an extra-sensitive kid? 

What do you do to help him develop his problem-solving or coping skills? Share your story in the comments below!

Transforming Judgment

Do you feel like you try to be empathetic and yet your child's behavior doesn't change?

Are you in the habit of describing the conflict with your child by using words such as, defiant, disrespectful, rude, cranky, instigator, trouble-maker, or manipulative?

5 Steps to Peaceful Conflict Resolution

"But, Lori - what do I do when....

my child won't listen
my child is aggressive
my child refuses

- my child, my child, my child ..."

Have you ever been in the position of not knowing what to SAY or DO next.  

Showing Appreciation

Have you ever felt judged by others because your child didn't say "thank you?" Did that feeling lead you to want to control or coerce your child?
 
How can we can teach our children to express their feelings of appreciation and gratitude without making them feel shame?

Strengthen Your Relationship to Change Behavior

Are you stuck in a negative cycle with your kid and no matter what kind of discipline you use - punitive or non-punitive - it seems nothing changes?

Sometimes in our rush to stamp out unacceptable behavior, we unknowingly stamp out our children's ability to see themselves as worthy of change.