How to Lovingly Guide Children Through Difficult Emotions

My nine-year-old's mood changes are fast and furious these days.

It feels as though one minute we're blissfully dancing in the rain puddles at the park and then suddenly, without warning, we're in a lightning storm, and I'm hanging on for dear life to the metal merry-go-round.

Sound familiar? 

It's jarring, triggering, and entirely maddening.

"I just wanted things to be calm. Why is she being like this?"

Three Ways You Can Be More Empathetic (But Not Permissive) With Your Kids

Empathy can be tricky. 

Do you ever feel like you try to show empathy, but it only makes your child more angry or insistent on having their own way?

One of the first tasks I guide my clients through is developing a deeper understanding of how to use empathy.

I know you want to set firm limits without feeling like you've been railroaded by your kids. Resistance from our children when we are trying to stay calm and supportive can feel like a slap in the face.

Have Kids Who Fight? Here's How to Keep the Peace

Picture this...

The fire is crackling, the rain is steadily tapping at the windows, and I'm folding left-over tissue paper cleaning up the remains of another holiday-palooza.

The children are joyfully singing and tattooing each other with facepaint and glitter.
 

There is no stress, no battling, no blaming or feeling like the kids run the house. Even the dog is quiet.
 

Isn't this what we all want? 

The simplicity of peace and enjoying the time together. I was full and content. My whole face was lit up, and I could feel my heart swell with gratitude.
 

Why can't it always be like this?

Why Time-Out Is A Good Idea

"Mom! Stop, listen!"

"I am listening."

"You don't even know what I'm talking about. You're so annoying!"

Suddenly, the wind had changed, warning sirens were ringing through the air, and an unpredictable twister was headed straight in our direction, determined to steal our sunny morning.

Why Nagging Never Works and What Really Creates Responsible Behavior

"Daddy doesn't NEED me to get my shoes on. He WANTS me to get my shoes on!" my nine-year-old cried from behind the bathroom door.

Oh, how right she was! 

The One Consequence That Matters Most to Your Child

When we become frustrated, anxious or stressed, we can quickly lose control of our words and actions. Insults fly, blame bursts forth, and anger takes the wheel - driving the disconnection that weakens our relational bonds.

When we are flooded with emotion, we need less judgment from others about our behavior and more comfort and compassion in understanding what is happening to us. 

Sometimes, parents unconsciously withdraw affection or attention in an attempt to remain firm and enforce boundaries. 

However, children need us to be their guiding light, not their "consequence."

Kids Don't Listen? Change the Way You Speak

"How do I get my kids to listen" and "Will you give me the concrete tools I need to make it happen?"

Definitely, the top questions that parents want to know.

"What do I do to get her to pick up her clothes, finish her lunch, turn off the iPad, etc.?"

I ask myself these questions all the time.

Parenting With Presence, A Conversation w/ Susan Stiffelman

What does parenting with presence mean to you?

For me, it means being mindfully aware and alert to my internal state and my outer experience. 

It means not checking out or shutting down when I become frustrated by my daughter's discontent, but to take steps to contain my emotional upset.

Helping Anxious Children Manage Scary Thoughts

“My 7-year-old daughter has told me before, "I'm thinking of a bad word, but I know I shouldn't say it." I would respond with, "Well, don't say it." But, last night she wrote to me about how she had a "bad head" because she had a "bad thought." Can it be due to her moderate anxiety and her OCD tendencies? How can I help her when she says stuff like that?” - G

When our emotions hijack our sense of security, we can quickly drop into rigid, obsessive, and even irrational thoughts and unreasonable behaviors.  

How can we respond to our children's scary thoughts and help them to reflect and release any unhealthy thoughts or worrying emotions, so they don't internalize the negativity?

Helping Kids Heal from Traumatic Events

What helps kids recover from traumatic events? How can we help them move beyond scary experiences? 

"I have a 5-year-old son who has become more and more clingy over the past year. He doesn't like to do anything without me, and when I go away, he becomes really upset. A few weeks ago he got lost on some trails near our house. He was alone for over an hour on the trails, cold, wet, and expecting me to show up any minute. I was the one who found him eventually, and we were both pretty scared. Since then, anytime I go mountain biking, he becomes really upset and angry. Tonight he sat on the front step and wouldn't budge until I came home. He yells all kinds of mean things at his Dad and says he doesn't know how to take care of him. I've tried talking to my son about it, but I don't know if he really even understands why he's feeling what he's feeling, so how can he express it to me?" - B.

This is a great question! Children can easily be traumatized by events that adults perceive as temporary or non-threatening. 

Obviously, this experience of being lost was terrifying for you both, but for your son - it was the last straw.  

How Not to Raise an Asshole (and other parenting thoughts)

 
Over the years, I have tolerated a lot of snide comments about how I am ruining my child (and the world) by choosing to forgo punishments and rewards in favor of something less controlling.

I have also seen and heard a lot of banter on the internet begging instructing parents on "how not to raise an asshole."

It appears there's a lot of sanctimonious judgment of children (and parents) floating around in cyberspace these days. 

So, I thought I'd jot down a couple of quick tips that I've come to rely on in my own parenting journey.  

What's Unconditional Love Got To Do With It?

I posted this photo on Facebook recently, and someone responded with, "I do not have any awesome traits."

That one hit me.

How Do I Stop Reacting? (Handling Your Anger in Front of Your Kids)

After asking, "How do I stop the negative behavior?" most parents ask, "How do I stop reacting?"

Once you understand and expect that children will cry, whine, resist, and push and you realize it isn't your job to fix anything - the next logical question is "Well, then how do I stop getting so angry?"

It is the peeling of an onion. 

I don't know that we can stop getting angry as much as we can shift to a state of responsibly managing our anger and initiating repair when our fury affects our children.

Parenting Under Stress: Advice & Support

All children test boundaries, right?

However, holding those boundaries without getting angry and being able to set limits compassionately takes an incredible amount of self-awareness and emotional maturity. 

Do you feel like you need to brush up on your self-regulation skills?

Children need us to be attentive and available to help them regain their emotional balance. 

In the early years, a child's emotional balance can be thrown off needing to be reset as often as every FIVE minutes.

Intense? Draining?

Just a weeeee bit.

Why Kids Talk Back and What To Do About It

Do your kids talk back? Do you have a tween or teen who has become increasingly sassy or smart-mouthed?

Back Talk
Disrespect
Moodiness

How do we teach lessons without shame or blame and still allow our kids to embrace the intensity of their emotions? 

It is a delicate balance of setting firm boundaries to establish a sense of safety and respect and accepting and allowing for the natural push-back against those boundaries.