How I Got My Daughter To Leave the Playdate Smiling!

Children learn more from what we do, and how we make them feel than what we say. Having a high tolerance for age-typical behaviors is necessary for teaching self-regulation and creating respectful relationships. 

Unmanaged emotion sends children the message that we are not in control, and that they are the cause of our annoyance and not worthy of our respect. Those internalized feelings of guilt and shame become deeply embedded in their self-concept and profoundly affect their behavior. 

We can choose to be influential, modeling emotional resilience and showing children how to respond to anger, criticism, and failure with courage and determination.

Young children, especially, are vulnerable to our harsh reactions. Their immaturity can trigger us into forcing control, wanting compliance, or using consequences.

 

Feeling supported makes the difference between whether children learn to cope with challenge and disappointment skillfully or whether they adapt in unhealthy ways, acting out or stuffing their feelings only to explode later. 


What do you think? Have you tried addressing what's going on underneath the behavior? Do you notice a difference in their behavior when they do?

I'd love to hear about your experience. Share your thoughts in the comments. 

Thank you for reading and watching. Until next time, please remember, it's about being conscious - not perfect!

Talk soon,
Lori

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Punishment & Praise: Natural Consequences or Unintended Harm?

For as long as I have been a mom, it seems punishment and praise have been the subject of much debate. 

A revolution is happening in parenting today. 

Science has validated what many have known for years - that connection trumps control.

This focus on building children's emotional intelligence contradicts behaviorist theories, which use punitive measures and evaluations to control children’s behavior.

Kate Takes Aim...

And Leah's bum appears to be the unfortunate target. So, Kate Gosselin got caught spanking her kid, and apparently, the neighbors claim they're not that nice to their dogs either. What's the big deal, you ask?

Let us not focus upon this media frenzy of a family in crisis, you say. Okay, let's not.

Model Child: What Happens When You Replace Punishment with Empathy & Skill Building

[Update: I wrote this when my daughter was 3. She's 12 now (2018), and she is still kind, compassionate, and even more emotionally intelligent, responsible, hardworking, and self-regulated (her teacher's words - not mine). She's experienced many consequences in her life, but she's never been punished. I say all this not to brag about my kid, but because our kids don't need punishment to understand right from wrong. They don't need to feel punitive adult-imposed pain to learn. In fact, they learn better when we stick with limits and natural consequences.

Being a conscious parent can be frustrating. Using empathy instead of punishment isn't a magical fix, and there is no simple path to growth. 

We must remain present in the moment while also staying thoughtful, compassionate, and creative to get everyone through the moment.

I stumbled upon this thought-provoking video from a TED conference where Sir Ken Robinson addresses the lack of arts and dance in our educational systems around the world. He surmises that schools are actually killing creativity and crushing the natural talents that all children are born with.

I agree that there is a clear hierarchy among school subjects, with math and science leading the charge, followed by language arts and the social sciences. Alas, somewhere at the bottom, if there is enough money or interest, there may be a music or arts program, but rarely, if ever, will you see education being taught through dance.

Why is that?

Why do schools not support the full use of our bodily talents? Why do we insist on educating our children from the neck up? Parents are battling to secure admission to top-notch preschools because, apparently, this is now crucial to securing our child's future (or at least a spot on an Ivy League admissions list).

But still, the traditional rote pedagogy served up in most schools is no substitute for a real education, and Sir Ken explains why. Hats off to TED and Ken for tackling the inadequate reality of modern education and doing it with a dollop of humor! 

Talk soon,
Lori


What are your school experiences or ideas for restoring a paradigm that supports educating the whole child? 

Post your comments below and let me know!

Dissed for Dissin' Supernanny

What the 'eff is going on?

I had originally championed New Zealand in their child advocacy role on my Facebook page after reading School 'no place' Supernanny techniques, an article about Pauline Bishop, a lecturer who rebuked the idea that the tools of the dominant paradigm (naughty step, time-outs, praise, etc) should be used in schools. Well, duh.

Supernanny Incites

The February 13th episode of Supernanny is beyond my mom logic. 

Have you seen it? It's the one now suffering a media onslaught (ratings hit) and child abuse investigation of its latest family in crisis. 

It went down like this: The Davis Family, a Deltona, Florida, clan of five, is the latest catalyst in extreme reality TV.

To Model or Direct? (Teaching Kids to Share)

My parenting journey has often resembled the constant tuning of a radio station. 

When the frequency is just right and coming in clearly, it’s a joy to sing along - out loud and free, but when the crackling static interrupts my favorite song, it can wear on my patience.

Not My Nanny!

Oh Supernanny! You've brought a palliative calm to many American families. Gliding in on your broom to deliver copious amounts of British charm and disciplined doses of the naughty mat.

But is this strict regimen of punishments and rewards a true recipe for family success?

The Art of No Complaining

Ever have one of those days where everything in your world just seems off? 

No matter what you do, you can't get your kids to acquiesce to even the smallest of requests. 

You find yourself turning into a raging lunatic, and 8 o'clock can't get here soon enough.

Hopefully, you have been following my TEACHable Moments, and those days are becoming few and far between, but if and when you experience that kind of discordance, you don't have to battle your way to bedtime.

An attitude of gratitude sometimes starts with a little less bitchin'.

Other People's Kids

If kids model what they see and hear, then isn't sending them to school akin to submitting them to a virtual brainwashing academy by admission?

I mean, monkey-see monkey-do does not just refer to the wonderfully funny and developmentally appropriate activities of our children. 

It means bad manners, slang you’re too old to understand, and the motherload of all swear words.