And Leah's bum appears to be the unfortunate target. So, Kate Gosselin got caught spanking her kid, and apparently, the neighbors claim they're not that nice to their dogs either. What's the big deal, you ask? Let us not focus upon this media frenzy of a family in crisis, you say. Okay, let's not.
Let's instead look at the sad reality that some polls are claiming that 80% of Americans think it's okay to spank children. I wonder how many of those people polled actually have children? I understand that it's hard for parents to look past the traditional view of things and shift their thinking, especially when a dominant paradigm surrounds us everywhere else in our world... like with our pets.
We all know how heated debates over parenting styles can get. Is it possible to explore the larger issue of why spanking doesn't work without being self-righteous? Hmm, I don't know, but I'll give it a whirl.
The main problem with the compliance culture and th dominant, traditional view of corporal punishment and parent-favorite, time-out, is that these methods disconnect us from our kids when they need us most. We are social beings, and we learn through our relationships with others. We are not behavioral animals (though I don't advocate animal abuse either). Kate spanking her child or anyone raising a hand toward a child only increases stress and teaches violence.
We have to remember that all behavior is a form of communication, and negative behavior is communication, but from a place of stress and dysregulation.
We need to approach our parenting struggles with curiosity and love, and open our hearts enough to discover the underlying need behind our children's behavior, and then allow ourselves to validate their feelings without assuming we should give in to their "wants."
Discipline in times of dysregulation is ineffective. When you are stressed out, can you think, learn, or remember?
It's not easy. For a kid, it's impossible.
When a child is acting out, he or she is stressed out and acting from a place of fear. We need to return the child to a state of calm and a place of love before we can teach. Children act out to communicate with us, and instead of listening, we do everything we can to make the "behavior" stop, without ever considering the validity of the feelings or the need driving it.
Time-out or spanking may work in the moment simply because what our children fear most is not the consequence but the loss of a relationship with US. More importantly, no valuable lesson is imparted when we resort to these approaches.
If we look at the physiology of fear, we know that in stress or fear, which is anytime the mind perceives that it doesn't have the resources it needs to survive the situation, the stress response is activated. This response is an automatic system that releases cortisol and adrenaline and uses every system in the body to get the brain back online. The heart rate rises, blood pressure goes up, muscles tense, the immune system becomes inflamed, and the digestive system shuts down. We expect kids to listen to rules and exemplify model behavior during these times?
It is only through the expression, processing, and understanding of the fear that we can calm the stress and diminish the behavior.
It's a shift that can sometimes be hard to wrap the brain around, but current science supports a new way of relating to our kids, and many parents are finding peace... in love.
Warmly,
When a child is acting out, he or she is stressed out and acting from a place of fear. We need to return the child to a state of calm and a place of love before we can teach. Children act out to communicate with us, and instead of listening, we do everything we can to make the "behavior" stop, without ever considering the validity of the feelings or the need driving it.
Time-out or spanking may work in the moment simply because what our children fear most is not the consequence but the loss of a relationship with US. More importantly, no valuable lesson is imparted when we resort to these approaches.
If we look at the physiology of fear, we know that in stress or fear, which is anytime the mind perceives that it doesn't have the resources it needs to survive the situation, the stress response is activated. This response is an automatic system that releases cortisol and adrenaline and uses every system in the body to get the brain back online. The heart rate rises, blood pressure goes up, muscles tense, the immune system becomes inflamed, and the digestive system shuts down. We expect kids to listen to rules and exemplify model behavior during these times?
It is only through the expression, processing, and understanding of the fear that we can calm the stress and diminish the behavior.
It's a shift that can sometimes be hard to wrap the brain around, but current science supports a new way of relating to our kids, and many parents are finding peace... in love.
Warmly,
What are your thoughts? How were you raised? Post your comments below!
