Why We Struggle to Set Boundaries

I am passionate about helping you understand how your childhood has shaped the way you view the world, and I love sharing new ways to help you heal your past and access your internal resources. 

If you struggle to set boundaries with your kids without getting angry or using force, I want to help you recognize why, and empower you to take your life in a NEW direction.  

Revisiting my past has been immensely healing for me. 

I welcome the tradition of starting fresh, waking up each day knowing I have the opportunity to start again, to choose kindness, and to remain conscious as I allow my intention to lead my attention.

My attention and focus have not always been so on track. For a long time, tense, distracted and fragmented more aptly described my mind and emotional set-point.  

This state of chronic stress, which many of us find ourselves unknowingly living in, interrupts our ability to access self-compassion. 

We can only have compassion for our kids when we can have compassion for ourselves.

An important video on the impact of childhood stress is this 4-min clip Dr. Gabor Maté.

Some have reduced Maté's work to blaming the parents for things like addiction, and depression, but my takeaway (and his actual position) is only that our experiences influence our genetic expression (and our unconscious thoughts and behaviors).
"our caregivers were not at fault, they were simply too stressed themselves to be emotionally available and provide us what we needed - even if they seemed loving and caring."

We may be stuck living out inter-generational patterns of stressed thinking and reactive behaviors. However, we have the power break free and alter our perceptions and physiological responses - rewiring our brains.

Although, without a conscious awareness of our past, we put ourselves at risk for repeating the past and passing on a legacy of mind-body dis-ease.

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) study, one of the largest investigations on early trauma, found that negative childhood experiences have a direct and substantial effect on our future health and well-being.

The ACES score is based on a scale of 10. The higher your score - the greater your risk. You can find your own score here.  

My score is 6/10. But, I'm not falling victim to statistics.

I COMPLETELY believe (along with Maté' and others) we can change the trajectory of our emotional and physical health. But first, we have to know what we're dealing with. 

We have the ability to change our minds to erase negative thoughts to reprogram our genes for positive expression. 

What do we need to do this?
1. A coherent understanding of our story is one important component.  

Dr. Dan Siegel has spoken extensively on the importance of knowing our story

Alice Miller, an author ahead of her time with books such as, The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting and The Drama of the Gifted Child, maintained that the hidden wounds of childhood would eventually manifest in physical symptoms if the emotions were not expressed.

But, more importantly, she called attention to what she named the "enlightened witness."

2. A witness to our story whose mere presence has the ability to lighten the load of our childhood trauma and neglect. 

Essentially, having someone LISTEN to our story, without invalidating our emotional memories or making excuses for the behavior of our caregivers, is vitally crucial to overcoming the negative patterns that lead us to living in chronic states of stress where we -
  • struggle to set boundaries or tolerate age appropriate expressions of anger and disappointment 
  • are living in a state of hyper-arousal, perceiving threat where there is none
  • resort to shutting down and tuning out when other people's emotions seem irrational or too intense
  • become overly controlling because we can't adapt

We can get so easily offended when we unconsciously bottle up our true selves and push away painful emotions.

Your habits of reacting are not conscious choices as much as they are the result of how you learned to cope with whatever life circumstances you faced. 

If family life has become intolerable or your kids' behaviors inexcusable and if you find that you are out of patience, you may be working with some of these inherited, unconscious, patterns.

My free video series guides parents toward making life-changing transformations and connects you with our Facebook community where we share stories and ideas, and find support.

This community is especially great if you're feeling isolated or alone.

"I feel better being part of a supportive group on this journey. The connection and collaborative mindset helps a lot!" - Anna, Community Member

For a long time, I lived on 3000 miles away from my family, and I know what it's like to live without close support. I'd love to have you join this amazing group of conscious people and share your experiences. 

But even if this isn't something you're interested in, please know that I am here to engage and uplift in many other ways. I love hearing from you in the comments on my blog and YouTube, and on the main Facebook page. I try my best to Tweet and Pin - so please don't ever stop connecting with me here and there. :)

And if you have a special wish - something you'd like to see on a TEACHable Moments video or just a topic you'd like me to cover - I'd love to hear about it so do leave a comment below and let me know!

Until next time, I'm sending you lots of love.



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About Lori

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