The Mama Blog

My son used to wake up every hour when he was 18mt...

2011-12-19T03:22:49.583-08:00

My son used to wake up every hour when he was 18mths and could not go back to sleep without my assistance either through feeding/soothing etc. This was in no way beneficial to anyone. I tried everything and eventually decided he is just going to have to learn to sleep unaided. It took 3 nights and lots of crying but from then on he has slept really well. Children who do not sleep well are irritable, not content, don't eat as well, can't cope at school. They need sleep for their brains to develop and their bodies to recover. My son is now 7 and for anyone to suggest that those 3 nights 6 years ago have caused issues is just crazy (he also cried on quiet a few occasions while in his car seat while I was driving on the freeway..should I have pulled over on the hard edge just in case it caused him brain damage as well???) He has friends who still have poor sleep habits who are hyper, have problems concentrating and other signs of over-tiredness. I have had another two children since and have also insisted they have good sleep habits because I know that it is actually cruel to not insist. It's unfair to allow your child to feel irritable, unhappy and miserable because you don't want to deal with their sleep issues. First time mums go on about this sort of stuff because they don't have experience or the foresight. Other mums realise that their baby will be in school in 5 years and most of the stuff you were worrying about was all so irrelevant.

thanks so much it really feels good to have the re...

2010-12-15T08:06:23.782-08:00

thanks so much it really feels good to have the re-assurance my daughter is only 18 months so im really just getting the beginning of, the lack of support, from other parents, and it IS hard and it IS frustrating but it also IS effective and so we stick to our guns, and we get loads of love for it!!!
Giving gratitude and support to you sister!

Love this!!! So precious! Can't wait to see so...

2010-12-14T22:59:53.192-08:00

Love this!!! So precious! Can't wait to see something like this come from my son...

True. i kind of feel like the word "brat"...

2009-09-11T18:40:16.592-07:00

True. i kind of feel like the word "brat" should be banned in a way.
It's kind of harsh...

oh and yes grandmother's are the wisest :)

2009-07-14T20:33:47.829-07:00

oh and yes grandmother's are the wisest :)

Hi Jen - Thanks so much for your comment! I am gla...

2009-07-14T20:14:45.064-07:00

Hi Jen - Thanks so much for your comment! I am glad you are enjoying the site. To answer your question "what I would have done sans the extra blue balloons?" It's hard to say now, because this kind of parenting model requires so much creativity in the moment and watching my daughter for her silent cues and windows of receptivity - but I always follow the same steps in my conflict resolution which is based upon Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent communication model.
TEACH is the acronym. you can find it here - http://www.teach-through-love.com/parenting-tools.html

1. Take a second to breathe & observe/state the situation without evaluation or judgment
2. Engage and Empathize - usually this is the longest step and the hardest one to stay with but ultimately this is the one of the most important.
3. Acknowledge feelings and needs. Needs are different from wants or desires. They can't always be fulfilled but they can be acknowledged (more empathy) and asking questions usually leads to finding out the fear or unmet need behind the behavior. (Behavior=communication / bad behavior=commincation from a place of stress/fear/disregulation)
4. Connect and problem-sovle. I may have asked her, "well Nevin would really like to take a balloon home, maybe we can look for one together or maybe we can find something else to share/ let him borrow, maybe a toy, a stuffed animal, a toy car etc..."

In this situation, depending on her real reason for not wanting to give up the balloons, (mostly developmental and dinnertime) I probably would have engaged her a bit longer and questioned her about the balloons, "did she think we would run out, was she angry with nevin, was she afraid that he would take them all..."

I may have had to sneak a balloon away underhandedly giving it to my girlfriend to take home for nevin... or we may have had lots of tears and not necessarily the ability to make everyone happy.

Which happens - it's when we show our kids that "get over it" "it's not that big of a deal" & "too bad" attitude that we get ourselves in emotional trouble. When we expect a 4-year-old to be automatically "OK" with sharing his favorite box of crayons with the strange new cousin who has suddenly come to visit from Ohio. We don't have to identify with our kid's feelings but we can at least show them that they are valid and then guide them to appropriate ways to show it.

When we show them empathy and compassion for their feelings, they develop the ability to self- regulate and manage their own emotions.

Sometimes you can't fix the feeling or satisfy the need but you can ALWAYS give empathy - for what seems like the greatest tragedy to your child - may not be to you - but with your compassion, you build the pathyways to the higher brain function that will one day give the ability to display empathy, compassion, understanding, creativity, logic.
They can't always do it at 2, 5, 9, even 12.

It's hard to say exactly what I would have done, parenting for me is very much like improv, it's a lot of Yes AND..., thinking on m my feet and being creative in every moment.

All the best!
Lori

I just stumbled upon your site this afternoon and ...

2009-07-14T16:02:40.707-07:00

I just stumbled upon your site this afternoon and am thoroughly enjoying the reading.

This story sounds all too common in my home. I am curious. What might you have done if you didn't happen to have any spare blue balloons around?

I had a similar situation a while ago where my daughter had a new neighbor friend over to play. She didn't want to play or share her toys, to the point where the neighbor friend asked me "why doesn't she like me?" It was heart breaking. I tried reasoning and explaining that she was hurting her friend's feelings, but all my reasoning seemed to make no impact on her. My mother's advice was to go play with the neighbor friend myself and my daughter would soon realize the fun she was missing out on (I would be modeling the nice friendly behavior that I wanted my daughter to express)....Grandmother's must be the wisest people on the planet. :-)

That's disregulation, not diregulation ...

2009-06-18T20:25:05.351-07:00

That's disregulation, not diregulation Isn't there an edit button?

NJohn - Thanks so much for your comments! You'...

2009-06-18T20:19:45.069-07:00

NJohn - Thanks so much for your comments! You're right, it's hard to look past the traditional view and shift our thinking. Especially, when it surrounds us everywhere else in our world.

The main problem with the dominant/traditional view of parenting is that it disconnect us from our kids when they need us most. We are social beings and we learn through our RELATIONSHIPS with others. We are not behavioral animals.

We have to remember that all behavior is a form of communication and negative behavior is communication but from a place of stress and disregulation.

We need to approach our parenting struggles with curiosity and love and open our hearts enough to find out what the real "need" is behind our children's behavior and then allow ourselves to validate their feelings without thinking that we somehow should give into their "wants".

Discipline in times of diregulation is not effective. When you are stressed out - can you think, learn or remember? It's not easy. For a kid, it's impossible.

When a child is acting out behaviorally, they are stressed out. You need to move them back to a state of calm before you can do any teaching.

And regarding your comment about the emotionally intelligent supernanny... it's coming my friend! Supernanny is in for a smackdown! And you can help move it along by voicing your desires - send a letter off to the networks you watch most... they are listening.

Stay tuned...

All the best,
Lori

Thanks for your post. This kind of information is ...

2009-06-18T19:48:09.944-07:00

Thanks for your post. This kind of information is great for a new parent like me who is trying to reconcile these (mainly) two powerful views.

It's hard to beat the sensory evidence (however edited it may be) of supernanny though. I wish there were a show with maybe emotionally intelligent supernanny?? :)

It's crazy isn't it, Tamara? I was at an art class...

2009-05-30T10:05:48.111-07:00

It's crazy isn't it, Tamara? I was at an art class recently and one young boy (maybe 12) kept asking the teacher "How is this?" and she had the audacity to actually critique his work and tell him what he "should do" next.

Thanks for the note and the book recommendtion.

How wonderful and inspiring! I have a niece who wa...

2009-05-29T09:49:32.690-07:00

How wonderful and inspiring! I have a niece who was doing some artwork with me years ago. I was shocked at her inability --paralysis-- to put pencil to paper because she was afraid of "doing it wrong".

I've been reading a book titled SMART GIRLS by Barbara Kerr, Ph.D. She discusses how gifted girls and women are consistently undermined by the education system. Sir Ken Robinson's talk seems to support what I've been reading and experienced as a gifted girl/woman. Thank you for posting this video. I plan to share it on my blog also. Tamara